There Goes The Fear....

After reading your comment Heather, from the last post....I began to consider that word "scared". Where does real fear originate? I feel that fear is the unknown, fear for me is indecision, and fear is not letting go of life. When I took an acting class last summer one thing that came to mind was what my instructor Robyn said...."We are not are emotions, we choose which emotions to have in any given situation." Fear is an emotion that encompasses many stressful physical responses. Choosing to let go of fear is a choice.....We cannot choose many things in life beyond living in the moment and finding beauty.
I think for me fear brings the inability to DO. It's thinking about something and not acting on it.

For me last summer that is literally where it began, acting. For many years I had always wanted to take acting classes. Last summer, in the midst of our infertility stalling, I decided to DO. I took a class in New York, "In the Moment, The Art of Being". This was a workshop referred to me by a family friend who had been acting for years in the Big Apple. At first this decision seemed a bit daunting...How would I travel to New York during the week at night? How experienced would the other actors be in the class? Would I be able to stand up and perform for the first time in fifteen years....And then one day, I leaped.

I leaped into the class, letting go of my fears, letting go of my expectations, letting go of my life outside this class. It was for me, and only me. This was a decision to DO something that I had wanted to for a decade, instead of finding a million and one reasons why not to DO it. One night in the middle of our three hour class, I went up in front of the other fourteen actors and did a prepared monologue. I had been in front of the class ALONE several times, this night was different. I stopped thinking and just gave in to the words, the meaning behind my monologue. I chose to feel the emotions I believed the character was feeling. It was in that moment, that I felt a myofascial release. A purging of my fears run out of my body. I let go. In the moment, I realized that this night was a new start. I became the woman who was overcoming fear, I stopped thinking and I started to act. At the end of my monologue the class stood in silence looking at me...I began to realize that this out of body experience was real, and I saw their faces. My amazing instructor quietly said, "whatever you have been through in your life is the reason you are here...you have a gift to tell a story in your eyes". What I felt she meant, is that my eyes are the gateway to my heart. By letting go of fear, I began to follow my heart. I have a vivid memory of this night of class, this new way of life that began months before we decided to adopt. Acting became my strength....however it was not just the acting....it was the ability to DO and not just think. The ability to LET GO....and not hold everything inside....and the ability to CHOOSE my emotions, which is the only control that I ever needed all along....This experience was the first chapter to my discovery of hope...and what hope has given me is empowerment....

Thank you Heather for recognizing that Andrew and I are united as a family and a marriage in this hope to become parents. There were times when fear was the emotion I chose during this process, and in other aspects of my life, when I felt paralyzed to move forward... to enjoy the moment. This leap of faith became our Acting Class in our world as a couple. Which is how we came to let go of fear....

The Doves "There Goes The Fear".....great song
"You turn around and life's passed you by
You look to those you love to ask them why
There goes the fear, Let it Go."