L-I-V-E

Over the past six months during our home-study process Andrew and I have LEARNED so much about ourselves, our strength, and our love. Since July, I have been sharing my story with you all and the words of kindness have been so wonderful. To continue to SHARE I would like to fill you in on where we are in our adoption journey.....We have spent the past two weeks working on our picture profile; sharing the story of us for the birth-mothers who come to the agency. As of tomorrow we will be officially finished home-study, dropping our last piece of papers to the agency. We LEARNED that this means we are "paper pregnant", its a term the social workers like to use. "Paper pregnant"....means that the next time we speak to the agency, will be when we are selected as the parents by a birth-mother. Regardless of how it happens, it is going to happen. Since there is no more work to do on our end through the agency.... I could sit around and twiddle my thumbs and wait, or I can LIVE.

In order to live, I need to follow my heart....Hope now exists for me in life, I want to use it to inspire those whose hope has faded. There was the time when a baby store was my enemy...a pregnant woman was my envy..... There once was a woman who use to cry at Juno, and now I don't search for my life in a movie...cause it's real.

I realize now how to begin the announcement for the group that I am starting at my parish: LIVE, LEARN & SHARE in the journey of adoption: For couples who have, who are interested in or who are hesitant to walk in this path....

Begin with Hope

On my way home from visiting a friend today, I felt compelled to stop by the Church rectory of my parish. I had not been to Church in the past two months however, I had this urge making me turn right into the parking lot. I realized that they were setting up for the annual Carnival that begins this evening. The odds of me speaking to someone, I assumed were low. Contrary to my assumption my experience couldn't have been any further from it.

When Andrew and I first decided we were going to move forward with adoption, we discovered the young priest in our parish, Father Mike, was adopted. He spoke about his experience in the spring during a mass. We reached out to Father Mike and had lunch with him one weekend in early spring. We listened to his story of how he was raised by two very loving parents and his life through adoption; his perspective was new for us. We also discovered that like Andrew, Father Mike was a surfer, and thus the spiritual connection between us became deeper.

When I opened the doors of the rectory Father Mike was standing in the lobby, almost as if he was waiting for me, unknowingly. I told father of our journey during the last five months in our adoption home-study. He was very grateful for my visit and said that he would pray that our wait would be short. I began to explain to Father Mike how empowered I felt from this experience and wanted to do more. There are couples out there like Andrew and I that want nothing more to become parents, yet they feel hopeless. They have no insurance to cover fertility, and no income to support what they assume to be the astronomical costs associated with adoption.

In what began as a two minute conversation, turned into a hour and half one. I found myself sitting in the kitchen of the rectory speaking to Father Mike, The Pastor and Pat, a friend of the family who works at the rectory. Father Mike, stood at the counter eat a banana. Monsignor Rich, spread out a handful of M&Ms on a placement and Pat and I picked at a bowl of cherries that were delicious. We began to brainstorm together on ideas of an adoption group at the parish. The Revered from the entire Diocese of our state is coming to our parish in the fall to have a meeting centered around adoption. They asked me to run it. I found myself being whisked away to a world of possibilities. How will I begin this group? Who will come? What will be the focus of our meeting. So begins my story.

My hope is to give hope to families who don't have it. There were times along my way that I could not picture our home with a child. A few years ago, I began to watch the world around me change, friends and family members becoming pregnant, moving forward with their lives...and I was not. My struggle to become a mother is going to serve a purpose, I have found my way...now its time to give my hope to those who need it most.

I am my friend....

As I drove in my car today, I listened to a song that seemed to make the cars and trees move in harmony; it was as if the world around me was dancing. I came across the Simon and Garfunkel song…. The Boxer. Instead of driving in solemnity thinking about what list I had to do today, or mindless thoughts that I sometimes wander upon, I began to listen to this song, so deeply that I felt an overpowering feeling of strength. Where was that strength that I felt coming from? I asked myself to follow that feeling that I had from this song…..
For years I found myself searching for the answer of who I am from those around me, from my job, from every external identity that I could claim. I was searching for the answers of my life. The answers to the struggles that have taken place along my way. I reached for the infamous question we all ask…"Why?" I thought if I knew the meaning to all of the “why” questions, I would find strength to handle my life. In the song, The Boxer, the music takes your mind on a journey, searching with every note something new. The song describes a story of a poor man’s struggle for life. The words are spoken…“I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there.” I could feel those words digging deep into my soul. Those quiet moments which felt like I was on a desert island with no one around but myself to make sense of life. No one ever answered those questions, and yet now I don’t need to know. That feeling of strength that I had throughout this song was within me, it was my own voice. The years of asking "why" to the world around me to find the answers are fading. The only strength I needed all along was to believe in myself, and I do. That inner voice that kept questioning life for so many years is now filled with only one answer that is necessary to live. The answer is me. This is how I came to adopting a new way of life, which is why I can to see beyond the adoption and into who I am, and that is the answer.

It’s a belief in who you are, and no one or nothing else can give you that but yourself.

“Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

Old and New....

Over the weekend we had my cousin Nikki's two boys overnight on Saturday for a sleep-over party. We picked up the boys at their home Saturday afternoon in our SUV that we got four years ago. When we purchased the car we had hopes of filling up the extra space with a child of our own someday. Before their dad Shaun had the bags in the car the boys were in the backseat setting up. Justin is four and is still using the older kids car-seat that I had just registered for a week ago. Colin is six and only needed a small booster seat. Seconds after they piled into our now older SUV, they realized we had dvd player in the back. The excitement in their faces made all the years that we have not been able to use the dvd player, seem to fade away fast. Wow, can we watch a movie! Kung Fu Panda was chosen, and off we went on our weekend adventure... As we drove to and from our destinations over the next two days Andrew and I got to experience life with kids in the back. The boys faces only minutes after we started the movie were priceless. They stared in awe at the screen, it was the best. Later on as we drove home from the aquarium, Justin fell asleep in the back with his thumb in his mouth and his head dangling down moving with every turn, while Colin laughed to himself watching the last half of Kung Fu Panda. Andrew and I held hands as I glanced into the back every so often. He would check in the mirror at stops and look over at me and smile. In those moments in our older SUV we began to feel something new that Andrew and I had so desperately wanted for so long. We are about to be "in waiting" for our own child, and this weekend we had these two boys that we love as much as humanly possible give us a gift that we have wanted for years. It is a gift that comes with no price tag attached, a moment in our lives that was so hard to picture at one point, and now someday soon it will be our reality. So thank you both so very much Justin and Colin, for giving us those moments, letting our hearts feel, something that we tried not to for so long.

Imperfect

Our last class was yesterday. It was a beautiful day. I started off by seeing beauty in someone that I would not have noticed in the past. I was sitting in a doctors office waiting to speak to the doctor, I was probably the only person in the entire room under the age of 70 years old. There was a half a dozen patients waiting to see the doctor... and in walks a woman who was most likely in her mid seventies. She had khaki baggy linen pants on with tan sandles and a matching tan leather bag. The woman stood out because she had this pretty teal blue shirt that caught my eye, I could not take my eyes off the color of her shirt. She walked into the office alone. As she approached the front desk she pulled out a gadget underneath her pretty teal shirt and put it in her hand and raised it to her throat. It was an electrolarynx, a voice machine that made her voice sound like a computer. She just had her larynx removed most likely due to cancer. I was startled by the noise at first and could not take my eyes off of her like most others in the room. I could not understand every word she was saying however I began to notice something that brought tears to my eyes. She was smiling, she was making jokes and laughing..... This older woman went from having a beautiful teal shirt to radiating beauty from within her. This woman was alone, she had just gone through a major life change, and she was accepting of her way. And so it was her imperfection that made her beautiful. I went into our meeting with the image of this woman yesterday and looked around at all the other couples who would soon be in waiting for their child too. Some couples were young, some were older, some were straight and others were gay. Every couple in this meeting was embracing their way, the life that they were carving out for themselves. Each person there yesterday had not gotten to this point by imitating someone else's life, they saw the beauty in their own, and so began their own adoption story.

So I say today what I heard on the film Tuesday something that resonated deep within...."Tis better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's life perfectly." That imperfection is what led us to this amazing journey....

Eat Pray Love.....And.....

I went tonight to see the movie Eat Pray Love, with my mother. I walked out with a feeling of hope. Unlike the many critics of this movie, I had not read the book yet. It was in many ways a typical Hollywood movie, however, I could feel the authors emotions in the script. I understood her quest to become who she could be. And to lose the parts of her that she thought she needed, most of all fear. I am sure that many women who read this book connected with her on so many different levels. Letting go of love, letting go of those extra fifteen pounds, letting go of the life she thought she was "supposed" to have someday. In the film they say "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life."

When we made our choice to move forward with our adoption plan, things around me started to change. I began to find love in unexpected places in life. Places that Andrew has always shown me, like the gophers that he always finds on the edge of the road....the red tail hawks....the small road near our busy street full of thirty or so deer at sunset. I began to see what he has helped me see for so many years...the world around me. Andrew is a surfer. He is connected to life in a way that has brought me peace and imagination. His way of life has allowed me the possibility to dream more, to see the world around me differently and most of all to love.

This year when we decided our path together in adoption I lost balance because our decision was out of such a strong love....for each other...for our child...and for our dreams. I did lose balance this year for love, and I see now what that has given me. In the movie a friend tells Elizabeth to take the noise out of her head and let the love come in....I know that to be true. It's possible for us all to do when we let go of the fear. Love is all around us...

Schooling....

I went to work with a purpose today, to purchase my first book on parenting after work, the one that the pediatrician recommended. It was a busy ride home, lots of people driving fast, passing, tailgating and all the usual commotion that comes along with a commute. The speed of which life moves on the road is the opposite of that in a bookstore. The Borders that I went into near home is like any other chain bookstore. Stepping into the store, you feel a sense of calmness and serenity, like looking out to the ocean. The smell of the bookstore was distinct, and the music playing was a singer/songrwriter style. The people in the store looked like they were walking in slow motion up and down the aisles taking it all in.

That's why I was looking forward to my trip to the bookstore, to take it all in. Just like the car seat, buying a book on parenting is a connection to our story. As I did a quick glance around the store I found the "Parenting" Section. It was an aisle of five high bookshelves, hundreds of colorful books. The first two tall bookshelves were full of pregnancy guides, there was actually a whole section on "What to Expect"...there were books on breastfeeding, books on labor, there must have been a total of two hundred books. Then I began to search through the usual parenting books, guides on infancy, help with the sensitive baby, how to have a happy baby....you name it they were all there. Then we got to the books on dads and grandparents section, and how to deal with a teenage girl..."Dummie Guides" on everything you can think of...Oh and Chicken Soup for the Soul for almost every topic...almost.

At the very bottom right hand corner of the last bookshelf was a little tag that said "Adoption"....Above that tag were two books..."Guide on Adoption"...and "Twenty Things Adoptive Kids Wish their Parents Knew". So I began to think about what this meant to me as I looked at the barren single shelf. I began to feel that the word isn't out, that this unique story has a purpose. There are families out there like us, that have a beautiful beginning through adoption, it's our "What to Expect". It's a story that is centered around love. I believe that a child who is raised through adoption has a life of love planned from their beginning. The love for our child that has grown in our hearts as parents. The love for our child that their birth-mother will give to them, by the life that she wants for him or her. And the love that those around us have that get to bear witness to this amazing journey. So this love, that so many adoptive parents, birth-parents, friends and family get to experience is the what needs to be told.

Remember the woman who worked in the baby store, and the owner of the furniture store....they too thought I was pregnant. They did not consider adoption at first. Walking out of the bookstore today made me realize that adoption is a beautiful journey that can be shared...instead of keeping it in the bottom right hand corner shelf of the Parenting section. So I ask everyone that is reading this entry to send this blog to someone you know, so that just maybe some of the busy people driving on the road today will slow down and read....


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Why and The Answer....

When I wrote in my entry on July 16th, I asked myself why I am writing this blog. I now know why. I was right the first time I answered, I have something to share. Now, I am certain. Over the course of the past few weeks in writing, my words have started to bring to life my story. It's the reason why I haven't stopped writing, I want to share my story with those around me. Throughout the course of the past few weeks I have been sent messages and emails of love regarding my blog from people who know me. Every person around me has their story, their struggles, their obstacles. So yes, mine is infertility, who cares what it is, it's the story after infertility that counts. I have one. I have a great story to tell. It's filled with sorrow, it is filled with pain because life isn't full of rainbows and unicorns as I liked to think! It's filled with life. And so my blog is about my story, how I began to listen to my life. It's the defining moment for Andrew and I... in our marriage, in our love, and in those around us who we get to share it with today and tomorrow. So why am I writing this blog....well, it is to give my heart to all of you who would like to read it. To know that life is full of life, and it's the living part of it that matters the most. So I have opened myself up to you, because it's what I can do, it's my adoption story, it is my way.

An unexpected gift....

I have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by a core group of family and friends who have been so supportive, and happy for Andrew and I throughout this journey. For the purpose of today's blog I want to discuss this past week. I have had two silent angels who have been there for me on so many different levels and especially over this past week. One of them, a friend. She gave me the gift of her time this past week helping me with the daunting tasks of baby registering questions. She has been a steady, calm supporter of my pursuit to become a parent...she has been there when I needed her most to lend an ear and spiritual guidance. Then there is my other silent angel of the week, well, it's actually her and her mother that are a part of the second gift. I mentioned to my cousin this morning that I registered. Well, she was actually parked outside the baby store that I registered at, unbeknownst to me. Now, the way I plan on having a "Welcome" shower for our baby, of course not traditional, is after our child arrives. However, my cousin and aunt heard that I needed this car seat before the shower for our baby and decided to surprise Andrew and I with this gift today. When I saw the big box and bright wrapping paper, my heart started to flutter. I began to tear open the wrapping with her two boys and saw the name on the outside of the cardboard box...."Peg Perego". I looked up at both of them as I held back the tears only for her oldest son to ask me to open the whole box! I peeled back the four leafs holding the box closed and saw the trim of the car seat that I had picked out last weekend. My imagination of our child in this car seat, started to pour into my head. This gift was more than a car seat, it was an imprint in our lives. Another reality of our beginnings. I leaned my head on my cousins shoulder and hugged my aunt and cried like a baby!! It was so unexpected, that's the fun part of this adventure. I came home and told Andrew that I had a heavy box in my trunk that my boss gave me today. When I opened the trunk, he reached for the big cardboard box, and I watched his jaw drop, it was priceless. He looked at me and said, how did you get this today?? I told him the story and he was amazed. We opened the box tonight and sat on the floor for some time and played with the car seat. We have been preparing our home for our baby for quite some time, today something new is sitting in our dining room....a piece of our child's life. To all of my friends and family reading this blog, the gift that each of you have given us by being a part of this journey is beyond words. It IS an Imprint in our lives and our child's. Every unexpected gift, whether it's a card, a phone call, a comment under a blog entry, helping with baby questions, or a very special car seat, it means so much more to us than the gesture itself. Each gesture is a part of our "way".

Zoltar

So last night after a day of work, Andrew and I jumped in the car for a drive. We went to a baby store to look at furniture only to find out that the store was going out of business in a month. The lovely honest business owner told us he'd take a deposit on the furniture.... and said another store in a different state would deliver it whenever we wanted it. Hmmmmm, yes so I wasn't born yesterday buddy, although for being in the business for 35 years, its pretty remarkable that he too said "Wow, you barely look pregnant." Once again, I realized how unique our circumstances are in this area where we live, California here we come! Just kidding Mom....for now. Andrew and I moved on to the next baby store and took our time there, we saw so many different colors for bedding and swatches of colors for the wall. We continued our exploration by pushing every button on the baby toys and touching every soft little blanket that they had on the floor....I couldn't tell who had more fun! We finished up our trip and were famished! So, there was a P.F. Changs right around the corner. We sat down with our newly purchased book of names and began to glance through it, of course putting names in that we thought were ridiculous too. Our eyes were of course bigger than our stomachs, and we had food to take home with two fortune cookies. Andrew opened his when we got home from our adventure and read it aloud. Fortune: "Good news of long awaited event will arrive soon." Soon? Really!?!? Ahhhhh, the magical fortune cookie that held all of our answers, hahahaha, If I only knew all along! Although, you know what....it meant something to us. We DO know that however long it takes, it will be soon. Two years ago, I would have taken that fortune cookie to a whole new level....now I can just smile and enjoy the ride. So our fortune is not in how soon our child will arrive, its about what we have gained already from this journey......with so much more to come....gotta love a good fortune cookie.

Any takers who would like to take a wild guess at where I got Zoltar from???

A day of "first's"

Today was a day of my life evolving around me. Andrew and I have had a dog now for almost seven years, she is the best dog I could ever ask for during these years. We have taken her to the same vet since she was a puppy. This appointment we discussed with our vet how to introduce her to our new addition in our family someday. He gave us really good information especially on how she would most likely behave and adapt to our new baby. So this vet appointment was different than years past. When we were driving home and got back into our development I saw these two woman who have 3 shitzu's walking, we know them walk from walking our dogs. This time, they were pushing a new baby in their stroller with the three dogs. They adopted a baby. All in one morning, life continued to evolve today.

This afternoon I decided to begin registering at a baby store. For so many of my friends baby showers, I walked in that store...sometimes crying...sometimes numb....today was a new feeling. I want to have a registry together before we finish the program just in case it happens soon after we are done. More importantly, its what all moms-to-be do, so I was not going to miss out on this experience, in my own way. When I first got to the store I ran into an old friend of the family. I had heard she had been trying for a few years like me, she had become pregnant with twins. She had been waiting to do this for years, I am sure, just as much as I have been waiting. Today, our lives interceded with each other, two different perspectives with the same purpose. With my perspective brought a whole different experience than those around me. As I went around the store, several woman working came up and asked if I needed help. One older woman looked down at my belly and said in an Irish whisper, "Are your pregnant?!?!, Look at You!?!?!?" The women in the aisle around us couldn't help but turn and look. I said, no, I am expecting through adoption, (in my head I was thinking...hmmm, this is obvious, no baby in the belly lady....somebody needs new glasses, hehe). Seconds later a scurry of voices and eyes on my belly still, I began to hear whisper down the lane..."She's adopting, oh wow....yes, adopting....so neat...she's adopting?? Yes, she's adopting..." And so began my time at the baby store, experiencing registering for our child in a different way than most and yet I was doing the same things as all those expecting mothers around me. The funny thing is that I only know of one way to become a mom, so these moments are mine, this feeling is mine, and that is all I need to feel, and that's pretty cool. So today was a day of "first's". First time at the vet after seven years, talking about raising our dog around our new baby. First time seeing the woman partners in our neighborhood pulling their new baby. The icing on the cake, was that after years of returning to the baby store that I had been to for those around me, I got to pick out everything for our baby someday. I think my life has been full of "first's" since the day we decided to move forward, when we knew. Today I know life continues to evolve.....

Butterfly

I drove on the same road that I have been driving on for five years now for my job yesterday. Its a really long two lane highway, with a median and two more lanes in the other direction a good distance apart. I love this drive somedays because there are so many trees on either side in front of me for miles and miles. In the winter when the snow starts falling the road looks like a picture out of a Christmas card. In the spring and fall the leaves are a landscape of beautiful colors and a sign of a new season. I started my job the same year that Andrew and I started to think about our future as parents. Five years and however many seasons later, I am still driving on that same road. So it would seem that my life was routine and that road would change with the seasons as I continued to drive on it. Yesterday, as I was driving down the same road, I saw a butterfly approaching my windshield. I was driving around 60mph so it would have passed in seconds, although it seemed like that butterfly was in front of my window much longer. The butterfly was a shade of orange and red with small specks of black in the body of it, and the wings were trimmed with black. As I continued to drive the butterfly continued to fly across my windshield in what seemed like slow motion, and then it flew over. I thought about that butterfly all day. Everyone knows that butterflies are symbols of change but I think its more. I started to think about my life differently this year, that I can change my life. I realized that life would continue to change me unless I took control of my choices and changed it. I felt at times at the mercy of the doctors, and the medicines and the endless appointments, and the superstitious speculations. I drove down that road for five years watching it change me and this year I changed it. The butterfly flew across my windshield and I saw every little detail of it. When Andrew and I became certain that we would adopt, life stopped changing us, and we changed it.

Love Love Love.....

When we vacationed last week, our home was on the bay. Everyday while I went fishing, or relaxed on the deck, I would see a Mamma duck and her ducklings, she had three. If you ever get the chance to watch a Mother Duck with her ducklings you will see how protective she is of them. There were many dangers for the little duckling on the bay; the strong tides; the osprey birds; and the big fish in the water. The mother duckling did everything she could to make sure her three ducklings were safe at all times. This is what most people refer to as a "mother's instinct". The same love was shown to me today by a woman in an office that I call on for my job. I have known her now for five years, today I told her that my husband and I were in the process of adoption. She was very interested in learning about the process. After I began to tell her our story she revealed to me that around thirty years ago she almost placed her child with an adoption agency. Back in the late 70s adoption was still closed, it was almost taboo to discuss in public, like many other rules in society. Her parents wanted her to stay at a convent until she had the child and went through the adoption process. She agreed. She delivered her child and still remembers that she did not even look at her baby because her parents wanted her to let go. However, she could not let go. She went against her parents wishes and raised her daughter and went on to have three more children. Every mother, has her own story. Her story was to not let go. A birth-mother who does let go, wants the same thing the Mother duck wants for her ducklings, to protect and love her child. She is selfless, like my friend Kristin once told me. I never forgot that word throughout this process of adoption. In my way, I let go to gain something bigger. I let go of my infertility to gain motherhood. By making that choice, I too have already begun to think like the Mama duck, it's my story of becoming a mother through adoption. Every Mother has her own story, and this is mine.