Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Different
We are on vacation with my family this week at the beach. Andrew and I have taken this same vacation each summer since 2006, it is our fifth summer now. In the summer of 2006 we were starting to try to conceive, and excited about the possibility of becoming parents. Each summer vacation came and went and nothing changed. So every year, its been the same beaches, same places, and it's almost as if not that much time has not gone by. However, not this year, not this time. This year, 2010, is different. Andrew and I had a visit to our home by our social workers last Friday before we left for our trip. At the end of the visit the social worker told us that we should definitely get a car seat by the end of August, just in case it happens fast. Andrew and I also came up from the beach yesterday for a few hours to go to an adoption meeting. Driving up, I started to imagine that car seat in the back of our car. So it seems that the years and vacations had all started to blend together over the past four years, until now. There's something different about this vacation, a major change that is occurring in our lives right now. We started listening this past winter to our life, and now this summer vacation is different in a BIG way.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm alright.....
As I already discussed earlier, there are privacy issues with our adoption process that I cannot discuss. However, let's just say that we cleaned our home today for our process, I'll let you figure that out. It was interesting because as we organized certain parts of our home, we felt a purging process happening. I found a couple pregnancy tests underneath my bathroom sink first. I remember always testing to early just to give myself the hope that if the test was negative, it was maybe just too early. Oh, why the mental tortue! Beyond that, those tests are expensive! From that fertility roller coaster of doctors saying "2008 will be your year..." geesh I am so glad I have moved on from those days. Another thing I purged was all of those fertility books. "The Fertility Diet"..."Hormones and Your Body"..."Natural Conception". What a marketers dream I was back then! It feels great to be in a place where I can read Twilight, or The Fountainhead without having the urge to pick up one of those books anymore.
I was speaking to my Dad today, in reading my blog he came up with a great idea for donating food to the local food bank. He is a project manager and having an opening house with 6,000 people attending his new building in October. He will be asking each person who will be attending this event to bring one or more canned goods. It was awesome to here how a simple idea such as that at the right venue will have a big impact on the local food bank. Kudos to my dad! We have always had such a great "father/daughter" relationship. As I have gotten older, I realize how much in common I have to my dad. He is the type of Dad who has been there for every little moment in my childhood; recitals, basketball games, to walking me down the aisle on my wedding day. He has an amazing work ethic and I learned a lot about morals from the way he lives his life. After speaking with him this evening, he asked if there was anything he could do to help us get our home ready. He never blinks an eye when it comes to being there for his family. I distinctly remember a time when we were young and my mom only worked part-time. He totaled his car in a really bad rain storm, and my parents could not afford to buy a second car. Instead for at least a year he walked miles everyday and night to take the bus to and from work. He never complained, he remained a great dad during that hardship. My parents taught me a lot about being happy with whatever "things" you have or don't have, its not what made our home a home.
It was my Dad's who had an easier time with the news that we were moving forward with the adoption process. He was calm and peaceful in knowing that this was what his daughter and son-in law wanted. My parents both knew that day we told them at their home that we weren't going to look back. There were lots of happy tears and we began to explain the process to them both. Not too long after, did my father confide that my mom was having a harder time with things. My mom was so loving, understanding and proud of our choice to adopt.
However, it was her wish for me as a daughter to conceive naturally and she began to feel a loss. It was same loss that I had begun to feel before that time. I understood her pain. She was angry, I had been angry; she was sad, I had been sad; she was confused, I had been confused. I could relate to her pain and yet, I was free of it. It did not impact my decision to continue to pursue adoption, I was ready and Andrew was too. This pain that my mother could feel for her daughter is what makes her a great mom. She needed to feel whatever it was she had to, like I did, in order to move forward. I had already let go of comparing my life to those around me in that regard. Maybe it was the ten baby showers and than births that I had been a part of the past two years. Those were joyous times for my friends and I wanted to be there for them, although at that time, it was hard. Looking back, I am so grateful that I could be a part of their child's life, because they will be a part of our child's shower, and first birthday and so forth. There goes my imagination....
My parents both had different perspectives on our choice to adopt at first, at I am so thankful that they could be so open with me on how they felt....the good stuff and the difficult stuff, isn't that what life's about? They have been there for me since I was born and I have been able to show them a new set a lenses on life with our choice to adopt. It feels like so long ago that we first told them, and every single step of the way, they have been there for Andrew and I. From refinishing our kitchen, to calling us to check in after our meetings, they continue to care beyond words can say.
So, as a side-note....my husband Andrew's favorite movie is Caddyshack! I think that was the first DVD he purchased when I bought him his first DVD player in 2002. Thanks to thinking about his favorite movie I can't get the theme song out by Kenny Loggins out of my head...."I'm all right....no buddy worry bought me...Why you got to give me a fight...Can't you just let it be"...Maybe that's the theme of this blog for today.
In hopes to get that song out of my head as I go up to bed...yep, I said that....I will listen to my favorite song as of today, which is Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap....listen to the words on that one.
Sweeeeeeet Dreams
I was speaking to my Dad today, in reading my blog he came up with a great idea for donating food to the local food bank. He is a project manager and having an opening house with 6,000 people attending his new building in October. He will be asking each person who will be attending this event to bring one or more canned goods. It was awesome to here how a simple idea such as that at the right venue will have a big impact on the local food bank. Kudos to my dad! We have always had such a great "father/daughter" relationship. As I have gotten older, I realize how much in common I have to my dad. He is the type of Dad who has been there for every little moment in my childhood; recitals, basketball games, to walking me down the aisle on my wedding day. He has an amazing work ethic and I learned a lot about morals from the way he lives his life. After speaking with him this evening, he asked if there was anything he could do to help us get our home ready. He never blinks an eye when it comes to being there for his family. I distinctly remember a time when we were young and my mom only worked part-time. He totaled his car in a really bad rain storm, and my parents could not afford to buy a second car. Instead for at least a year he walked miles everyday and night to take the bus to and from work. He never complained, he remained a great dad during that hardship. My parents taught me a lot about being happy with whatever "things" you have or don't have, its not what made our home a home.
It was my Dad's who had an easier time with the news that we were moving forward with the adoption process. He was calm and peaceful in knowing that this was what his daughter and son-in law wanted. My parents both knew that day we told them at their home that we weren't going to look back. There were lots of happy tears and we began to explain the process to them both. Not too long after, did my father confide that my mom was having a harder time with things. My mom was so loving, understanding and proud of our choice to adopt.
However, it was her wish for me as a daughter to conceive naturally and she began to feel a loss. It was same loss that I had begun to feel before that time. I understood her pain. She was angry, I had been angry; she was sad, I had been sad; she was confused, I had been confused. I could relate to her pain and yet, I was free of it. It did not impact my decision to continue to pursue adoption, I was ready and Andrew was too. This pain that my mother could feel for her daughter is what makes her a great mom. She needed to feel whatever it was she had to, like I did, in order to move forward. I had already let go of comparing my life to those around me in that regard. Maybe it was the ten baby showers and than births that I had been a part of the past two years. Those were joyous times for my friends and I wanted to be there for them, although at that time, it was hard. Looking back, I am so grateful that I could be a part of their child's life, because they will be a part of our child's shower, and first birthday and so forth. There goes my imagination....
My parents both had different perspectives on our choice to adopt at first, at I am so thankful that they could be so open with me on how they felt....the good stuff and the difficult stuff, isn't that what life's about? They have been there for me since I was born and I have been able to show them a new set a lenses on life with our choice to adopt. It feels like so long ago that we first told them, and every single step of the way, they have been there for Andrew and I. From refinishing our kitchen, to calling us to check in after our meetings, they continue to care beyond words can say.
So, as a side-note....my husband Andrew's favorite movie is Caddyshack! I think that was the first DVD he purchased when I bought him his first DVD player in 2002. Thanks to thinking about his favorite movie I can't get the theme song out by Kenny Loggins out of my head...."I'm all right....no buddy worry bought me...Why you got to give me a fight...Can't you just let it be"...Maybe that's the theme of this blog for today.
In hopes to get that song out of my head as I go up to bed...yep, I said that....I will listen to my favorite song as of today, which is Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap....listen to the words on that one.
Sweeeeeeet Dreams
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"Imagine"
Andrew and I sat on the couch tonight and listen to Jack Johnson's The Mango Tree album. It's got a couple cover songs and for the most part the rest is Jack's original music. When I first met Andrew ten years ago, I remember the first time he played Jack's CD in his beat up old Honda Civic, I fell in love with the calming effect the music had on me. This album has some really cool songs that remind me of my brother's music. My brother is a very creative musician, besides being the best brother a sister can ask for. He can play so many different instruments and has done everything from a rock band to singer/songwriter stuff. He's got this gift to play and ability to write....Did I mention he's getting his Phd in English?
I had a great conversation with my brother James today, he lives a couple states away from us and it's so cool that we are close. He is three years younger than me, and we have always been thick as thieves. Well, maybe almost, he used to know just the "right words" to say to get under my skin as a teen especially on long car trips, hence the degree in English I guess. I am pretty sure I gave it right back then too, probably not as skillfully. As little kids we were inseparable, my father referred to him as my pull toy on the night of his rehearsal dinner for his wedding. OK, so maybe there was some truth to that, I mean he was my "baby brother".
When Jim and I were young I remember many trips to the pediatricians office. I had scarlet fever twice, he had strep throat constantly and had tubes in his ears. I was just discussing our old doctors office with him today. Andrew and I met with that same group that used to treat James and I years ago. We had many questions for the doctor, regarding the health of the birth-parents and its affects on the child. I told my brother that our old practice had been purchased by the Children's Hospital several years ago, and some of the doctors we knew stayed, while others retired. I vividly remember most of my visits as a child were to see Dr. K. He started the practice before I was born and now is in his mid seventies now, I discovered he retired two years ago. Dr. K was a wonderful doctor not just to us but many families. It just so happen that while Andrew and I were there for our appointment, Dr. K came to visit his old office. The older nurses who knew my family, told Dr. K that I was in the back with my husband, and he strolled down to say hello. It brought back many old memories as a child and I almost forgot I wasn't the patient when I saw him! Andrew and I began to discuss our future as parents and Dr. K then began to tell us that his oldest son adopted four children. So, we listened. Life is speaking to us and we are listening. Today it was loud and clear.
On Jack's Mango Tree album he does a cover of John Lennon's song, "Imagine". Andrew and I played it back four times tonight. Something about how pure his voice sounds and how much the words meant kept drawing us back. I wonder if John Lennon knew what he really meant with the words to that song. "Imagine all the people living for today..." So, as I continue to see each day with a new set of lenses, I will continue to imagine. I listen to my life, and sometimes it seems more clear than others. Today was one of them. Are we going to be parents through adoption someday...sure hope so...today was enough to imagine. Sitting in that office looking at the little tiny scale and imagining our child laying in it someday, that was fun. So if we "Imagine" then we are living. And if we live than it does not matter if what we "Imagine" occurs or not. Cause "You may say that I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one....I hope someday you can join us.....And the world can live as one."
Today we imagined and we shared our story with others, who had a story, and we enjoyed the moments. I also enjoyed dropping off the puzzles and crazy color nail polish, along with my physical for the nursing home. Looking forward to more moments at that place.
Lastly, and with so much love in this moment. Today is my parents 36 year anniversary. They have set the bar high for us, and I am so proud of them and what their marriage represents. They're good people who have gone to extraordinary measures for their children, family and each other. Love them both beyond words.
Today we Imagined and that's enough to keep on keeping on.....
I had a great conversation with my brother James today, he lives a couple states away from us and it's so cool that we are close. He is three years younger than me, and we have always been thick as thieves. Well, maybe almost, he used to know just the "right words" to say to get under my skin as a teen especially on long car trips, hence the degree in English I guess. I am pretty sure I gave it right back then too, probably not as skillfully. As little kids we were inseparable, my father referred to him as my pull toy on the night of his rehearsal dinner for his wedding. OK, so maybe there was some truth to that, I mean he was my "baby brother".
When Jim and I were young I remember many trips to the pediatricians office. I had scarlet fever twice, he had strep throat constantly and had tubes in his ears. I was just discussing our old doctors office with him today. Andrew and I met with that same group that used to treat James and I years ago. We had many questions for the doctor, regarding the health of the birth-parents and its affects on the child. I told my brother that our old practice had been purchased by the Children's Hospital several years ago, and some of the doctors we knew stayed, while others retired. I vividly remember most of my visits as a child were to see Dr. K. He started the practice before I was born and now is in his mid seventies now, I discovered he retired two years ago. Dr. K was a wonderful doctor not just to us but many families. It just so happen that while Andrew and I were there for our appointment, Dr. K came to visit his old office. The older nurses who knew my family, told Dr. K that I was in the back with my husband, and he strolled down to say hello. It brought back many old memories as a child and I almost forgot I wasn't the patient when I saw him! Andrew and I began to discuss our future as parents and Dr. K then began to tell us that his oldest son adopted four children. So, we listened. Life is speaking to us and we are listening. Today it was loud and clear.
On Jack's Mango Tree album he does a cover of John Lennon's song, "Imagine". Andrew and I played it back four times tonight. Something about how pure his voice sounds and how much the words meant kept drawing us back. I wonder if John Lennon knew what he really meant with the words to that song. "Imagine all the people living for today..." So, as I continue to see each day with a new set of lenses, I will continue to imagine. I listen to my life, and sometimes it seems more clear than others. Today was one of them. Are we going to be parents through adoption someday...sure hope so...today was enough to imagine. Sitting in that office looking at the little tiny scale and imagining our child laying in it someday, that was fun. So if we "Imagine" then we are living. And if we live than it does not matter if what we "Imagine" occurs or not. Cause "You may say that I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one....I hope someday you can join us.....And the world can live as one."
Today we imagined and we shared our story with others, who had a story, and we enjoyed the moments. I also enjoyed dropping off the puzzles and crazy color nail polish, along with my physical for the nursing home. Looking forward to more moments at that place.
Lastly, and with so much love in this moment. Today is my parents 36 year anniversary. They have set the bar high for us, and I am so proud of them and what their marriage represents. They're good people who have gone to extraordinary measures for their children, family and each other. Love them both beyond words.
Today we Imagined and that's enough to keep on keeping on.....
Monday, July 19, 2010
Mom squared.....
So today my mother asked me if I wanted to go look at baby furniture with her this evening. My mom is probably one of the most caring, loving and outgoing people I know. She has been such an amazing role model for me as a mother. She managed to go back to college when my brother and I were young to get her degree. She juggled so many hats, working part-time, college and being a mom, although what always came first was her children. She is my mom and my best friend. People who meet us on the street ask if we are sisters, you know she loves that one! She's about six inches shorter than me too, I call her my mini-me....
Andrew and I took a trip on Mother's Day this year for the first time ever to look at baby furniture, it was a symbolic day to continue to let the walls down and imagine our lives with our child. There were many new emotions that came to me in the store that day and I still feel them, for I allowed myself to feel this new world upon us, and that is good.
When my mom asked me to go today, I knew a part of it was for her, and I was so glad to say yes. Of course, it was for me too! It was so cool to walk around the stores with her and let our imaginations run picturing our front bedroom certain ways. Throughout this process of adoption, Andrew and I have had many meetings and lots of paperwork to participate in and we feel that we have been progressing. My mom has only heard how the meetings were and read some of the papers, however she isn't watching my belly get bigger, its a different perspective. Kinda glad about that belly thing! She was ready to let herself imagine life as a grandmother today, it was such an amazing moment to picture her as one today too, truly. I am so lucky to have a mother and father who have been so supportive, loving and have embraced our way of life. It was full of many different emotions at first, and that is ok, they are on board for the ride and loving every minute of it.
By the way, its awesome how many offices are responding to my blanket drive, one day at a time! I go into the nursing tomorrow to drop off my physical and get my TB test...I am definitely bringing a few items for the folks there like puzzles and nail polish. I will stick to the basic colors for the ladies polish, no crazy greens or purples....or maybe???
I love my Mom, and imagined life as a Mom with My Mom today.....Mom squared, what a great day!
Andrew and I took a trip on Mother's Day this year for the first time ever to look at baby furniture, it was a symbolic day to continue to let the walls down and imagine our lives with our child. There were many new emotions that came to me in the store that day and I still feel them, for I allowed myself to feel this new world upon us, and that is good.
When my mom asked me to go today, I knew a part of it was for her, and I was so glad to say yes. Of course, it was for me too! It was so cool to walk around the stores with her and let our imaginations run picturing our front bedroom certain ways. Throughout this process of adoption, Andrew and I have had many meetings and lots of paperwork to participate in and we feel that we have been progressing. My mom has only heard how the meetings were and read some of the papers, however she isn't watching my belly get bigger, its a different perspective. Kinda glad about that belly thing! She was ready to let herself imagine life as a grandmother today, it was such an amazing moment to picture her as one today too, truly. I am so lucky to have a mother and father who have been so supportive, loving and have embraced our way of life. It was full of many different emotions at first, and that is ok, they are on board for the ride and loving every minute of it.
By the way, its awesome how many offices are responding to my blanket drive, one day at a time! I go into the nursing tomorrow to drop off my physical and get my TB test...I am definitely bringing a few items for the folks there like puzzles and nail polish. I will stick to the basic colors for the ladies polish, no crazy greens or purples....or maybe???
I love my Mom, and imagined life as a Mom with My Mom today.....Mom squared, what a great day!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Painted and then some...
Andrew and I moved into our home six years ago right before we were married. During the past six years I have changed the color on the walls in our home many times. I think painting is somewhat symbolic to the change in our lives. Change is inevitable, and so why not paint. It seems like every time I decide to paint, I am going through a change in my life. I love how color can create a completely different feel to a room. My friends think I'm crazy for wanting to paint, who likes to? Apparently, I do...
Yesterday, I decided to take the awful lemon meringue color on our bedroom wall that blinded you like the sun, I'm serious. I went for a really mellow green, so cool and calming. It took all day to put two sets of coats on the wall and when I woke up this morning I smiled. I have realized over the past several years of my life, that our happy home is not based on the number of bedrooms or bathrooms, or the size of our backyard. Its the love that Andrew and I have for one another, and the love that we put into making it our home. It's why I decided to paint.
This winter when we knew we were certain that we were going to pursue adoption, they informed us that our home could not be under construction. We began to refinish our kitchen ourselves. This winter was the snowiest history on record for our city and it was so fitting that we were snowed in our home, as we began to remodel our kitchen. We started by taking down all the cabinet doors that were a light oak. We stripped the doors and sanded them down, that took a lot of hard work.....Ok, it took a lot on Andrew's part....I painted all the cabinets on my own though...I swear!! I painted them an antique white and distressed them a burnt umber. We started the kitchen back in March and last week the color went up on the wall to finish the project.
It was bitter sweet knowing that we were done. The love that Andrew and I put into our kitchen project was what makes a home a home. We feel great about the time and energy that was directed towards finishing our project, preparing our home for our baby someday. Painting our bedroom yesterday had the same symbolism for me.
There were moments during our years of infertility that I kept wanting more, never feeling fully satisfied with what we had in the present. I was not allowing myself the possibility though to imagine myself as a mom. I turned off that possibility.....Until the day that we decided to go forward with adoption. Andrew and I scheduled our "meeting" one night this past winter to come to an understanding of what was the best direction for us to continue on. I held back my true sense of knowing that adoption felt right for me because I wanted both of us to be on the same page together. Andrew put together a chart with every option on it. Would we keep going down the path of IVF? Would we consider a surrogate? How about some new age therapy? Would we even consider donor? Would we just let go and live our life on our own? Or would we choose to adopt?
It did not take long for the pros and cons for each possibility to get rather lengthy for us. We came to the topic of adoption and it felt like we didn't speak for several minutes and just looked at the word. Andrew took all the other options and moved them to the other side of the chart. The only thing left was adoption, he knew. When he knew I began to let go. Every force that had been guiding me over the past ten years was playing in my head like a movie in reverse....This was our way of life.
Immediately, after we knew what felt right, I began to let go. I let myself picture my life as a Mom, our home with a child and our future as parents. I then suddenly realized that no matter what happened in our future the decision to adopt felt so right, I was happy with just knowing, and that was enough. Even now as I look around our home, life has continued since that day we decided to begin pursuing adoption, we are not parents, and yet I am happy. Our home feels like a home to me not because I can predict our future as a family, but because I followed my heart, that's what life is about, isn't it? So that choice alone was enough of a reward because it was right for me and for Andrew.
So I painted yesterday, it felt right and it meant more to me than just a new color on the wall. For ten years my life has been full of many different colors on the walls and now I see why.
Yesterday, I decided to take the awful lemon meringue color on our bedroom wall that blinded you like the sun, I'm serious. I went for a really mellow green, so cool and calming. It took all day to put two sets of coats on the wall and when I woke up this morning I smiled. I have realized over the past several years of my life, that our happy home is not based on the number of bedrooms or bathrooms, or the size of our backyard. Its the love that Andrew and I have for one another, and the love that we put into making it our home. It's why I decided to paint.
This winter when we knew we were certain that we were going to pursue adoption, they informed us that our home could not be under construction. We began to refinish our kitchen ourselves. This winter was the snowiest history on record for our city and it was so fitting that we were snowed in our home, as we began to remodel our kitchen. We started by taking down all the cabinet doors that were a light oak. We stripped the doors and sanded them down, that took a lot of hard work.....Ok, it took a lot on Andrew's part....I painted all the cabinets on my own though...I swear!! I painted them an antique white and distressed them a burnt umber. We started the kitchen back in March and last week the color went up on the wall to finish the project.
It was bitter sweet knowing that we were done. The love that Andrew and I put into our kitchen project was what makes a home a home. We feel great about the time and energy that was directed towards finishing our project, preparing our home for our baby someday. Painting our bedroom yesterday had the same symbolism for me.
There were moments during our years of infertility that I kept wanting more, never feeling fully satisfied with what we had in the present. I was not allowing myself the possibility though to imagine myself as a mom. I turned off that possibility.....Until the day that we decided to go forward with adoption. Andrew and I scheduled our "meeting" one night this past winter to come to an understanding of what was the best direction for us to continue on. I held back my true sense of knowing that adoption felt right for me because I wanted both of us to be on the same page together. Andrew put together a chart with every option on it. Would we keep going down the path of IVF? Would we consider a surrogate? How about some new age therapy? Would we even consider donor? Would we just let go and live our life on our own? Or would we choose to adopt?
It did not take long for the pros and cons for each possibility to get rather lengthy for us. We came to the topic of adoption and it felt like we didn't speak for several minutes and just looked at the word. Andrew took all the other options and moved them to the other side of the chart. The only thing left was adoption, he knew. When he knew I began to let go. Every force that had been guiding me over the past ten years was playing in my head like a movie in reverse....This was our way of life.
Immediately, after we knew what felt right, I began to let go. I let myself picture my life as a Mom, our home with a child and our future as parents. I then suddenly realized that no matter what happened in our future the decision to adopt felt so right, I was happy with just knowing, and that was enough. Even now as I look around our home, life has continued since that day we decided to begin pursuing adoption, we are not parents, and yet I am happy. Our home feels like a home to me not because I can predict our future as a family, but because I followed my heart, that's what life is about, isn't it? So that choice alone was enough of a reward because it was right for me and for Andrew.
So I painted yesterday, it felt right and it meant more to me than just a new color on the wall. For ten years my life has been full of many different colors on the walls and now I see why.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Me and My Blog...
Well, I figured I start with letting you into my world a little more today. This blog thing is still taking some getting use to for me. So...about me. Let's cut to the chase. We're infertile, there ya go for an icebreaker. Long pause. Well, the specifics really don't matter its just a fact. There's is no reason and if you think it's all gonna play out for me like Charlotte on Sex and The City the movie, then blah blah blah. Besides the obvious fact, I have been given a perspective on life that is pretty cool and inspiring. Its a key to door number three instead of one and two which everyone else I know has taken. My friends would all agree that I am pretty unique in many ways. From my wardrobe, all the way to my karaoke song choice that they can't stand sometimes, I like being original. So why wouldn't I want my way of life to have just as much originality and flare as my wardrobe.
For a number of years I started to consider many ways of life for me because of my path. What would my life be with my husband without kids? Where would we go in our lives? Would we move? Would we adopt? Would we start our own Journey Cover Band and tour the world...who knows? What matters is that in every step along the way, I consider it with him. Andrew, is the type of guy whose smile is literally contagious. He has these dimples that are ridiculous. He's the type of man who would do anything for me because he loves me. I just looked over at him in our kitchen right now, and on cue...the smile. Whatever way of life I have been on, he got on board with me ten years ago when I met him. I remember sitting in his old beat up honda civic looking out at the river during a beautiful rainbow colored sunset the first spring that we were together and explaining to him I may never be able to have a child someday. I remember the look on his face caring more for me than my words, only six months into dating him. This makes him such a crucial piece of the puzzle of my path. He is my way.
Why I am writing this blog? This is a hard one for me. Apart from the fact that I was coerced to do it, wink. I guess I felt like I had something unique to share. Oh god, that is so not a good enough reason to start a blog! I think maybe a part of it was to challenge me to think about my life and my path. So...I guess I am going to ask myself that question everyday because like many things in life, I still don't have the answer to that one.
In regards to my day today, I changed it up. I was lucky enough throughout my entire childhood to grow up with both sets of grandparents around. I have so many amazing memories of playing in their row homes with at least ten other cousins. It wasn't until I reached my mid twenties that I lost my Mom's parents. I spent three years visiting my grandmother in the nursing home before she passed. Amazingly, she outlived my grandfather who died from cancer rather suddenly but that's for a different story someday. One thing I remember from visiting my grandmother was how lonely it could be in the nursing home. Thanks to my very large family she had company often, but many others did not. Until today, I did not know how easy it is to volunteer at a nursing home. Most homes want volunteers at any time of the day during visiting hours. The place I went to told me that all I needed was a healthy physical from my doc and a TB test. After that, I can come anytime during visiting hours, any day of the week. This is awesome. So I get to start soon after orientation. I am so excited to be able to make a difference in someone's day in this home. Many elderly people are still mentally sharp and just have no family that visit them in the homes. So can you imagine what that conversation will mean to them. One day, one small change. Oh and I also found out they take donations such as puzzles, magazines, nail polish, makeup and sugar-free candy.
So I will ask myself again before I finish for the day...Why this blog? Still stuck on this one...I watched The Blindside tonight, found a connection with this movie beyond something I can explain right now, I think it has something to do with Why I am writing this blog...to be continued.....
For a number of years I started to consider many ways of life for me because of my path. What would my life be with my husband without kids? Where would we go in our lives? Would we move? Would we adopt? Would we start our own Journey Cover Band and tour the world...who knows? What matters is that in every step along the way, I consider it with him. Andrew, is the type of guy whose smile is literally contagious. He has these dimples that are ridiculous. He's the type of man who would do anything for me because he loves me. I just looked over at him in our kitchen right now, and on cue...the smile. Whatever way of life I have been on, he got on board with me ten years ago when I met him. I remember sitting in his old beat up honda civic looking out at the river during a beautiful rainbow colored sunset the first spring that we were together and explaining to him I may never be able to have a child someday. I remember the look on his face caring more for me than my words, only six months into dating him. This makes him such a crucial piece of the puzzle of my path. He is my way.
Why I am writing this blog? This is a hard one for me. Apart from the fact that I was coerced to do it, wink. I guess I felt like I had something unique to share. Oh god, that is so not a good enough reason to start a blog! I think maybe a part of it was to challenge me to think about my life and my path. So...I guess I am going to ask myself that question everyday because like many things in life, I still don't have the answer to that one.
In regards to my day today, I changed it up. I was lucky enough throughout my entire childhood to grow up with both sets of grandparents around. I have so many amazing memories of playing in their row homes with at least ten other cousins. It wasn't until I reached my mid twenties that I lost my Mom's parents. I spent three years visiting my grandmother in the nursing home before she passed. Amazingly, she outlived my grandfather who died from cancer rather suddenly but that's for a different story someday. One thing I remember from visiting my grandmother was how lonely it could be in the nursing home. Thanks to my very large family she had company often, but many others did not. Until today, I did not know how easy it is to volunteer at a nursing home. Most homes want volunteers at any time of the day during visiting hours. The place I went to told me that all I needed was a healthy physical from my doc and a TB test. After that, I can come anytime during visiting hours, any day of the week. This is awesome. So I get to start soon after orientation. I am so excited to be able to make a difference in someone's day in this home. Many elderly people are still mentally sharp and just have no family that visit them in the homes. So can you imagine what that conversation will mean to them. One day, one small change. Oh and I also found out they take donations such as puzzles, magazines, nail polish, makeup and sugar-free candy.
So I will ask myself again before I finish for the day...Why this blog? Still stuck on this one...I watched The Blindside tonight, found a connection with this movie beyond something I can explain right now, I think it has something to do with Why I am writing this blog...to be continued.....
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Little things go a long way....
In setting the pace and feeling so good about it the past several days, I wanted to focus on one small difference that I could make in my day today. I knew that my heart was leading me toward helping children and today I thought I'd start somewhere. I contacted a local private non-profit school that teaches children between the ages of 3-9 years old who have intellectual and developmental disabilities, autism, and acquired brain injuries. I spoke to the secretary of the school and asked if they would be willing to take donations for the children. She seemed surprised and put me on hold for a second....she came back and said, absolutely.
In keeping with my spirit of making a small change in another life one day at a time, I knew I wanted to accomplish this goal today. I stopped by the local Barnes and Noble while I was on my lunch break. I went to the kids section and they had a ton of bargain books at half the price. I purchased the amount I could afford today, knowing that it wasn't a lot although it would make a small difference.
I stopped by the school and met the secretary on my way home. She asked me if I was a teacher, I said no. She then went on to ask if these were my own kids books, I told her I did not have children and these books are not used. She stopped and smiled and then said "so you're just doing this because..." And I said yes. We had a great conversation and she reached out towards the end to shake my hand and thank me.
I knew I didn't need a thank you when the secretary said, "You have no idea how excited the teachers will be to share these new books with the children tomorrow morning." That was all I needed.
Outside of my wonderful book drop off today, I had a woman in an office I call on who ran out to her car to get me a blanket to give to the animal shelter. The blanket drive in my offices is progressing, one small difference in my day.
I also spoke to a woman in charge of parks and recreations about the fundraiser for the local Children's Hospital next spring. She told me what it would take to get started and now I can move forward in this process one day at a time.
So I think what I learned today the most is that little things go a long way. The woman that ran to grab a blanket for the shelter in her car, gets to make a difference in the life of one animal. And a small handful of books will go a long way at school tomorrow for those children. I can still picture the books that I gave the school today, and now I get to picture the delight in a child's face by reading something new tomorrow.
Little things go a long way.....
In keeping with my spirit of making a small change in another life one day at a time, I knew I wanted to accomplish this goal today. I stopped by the local Barnes and Noble while I was on my lunch break. I went to the kids section and they had a ton of bargain books at half the price. I purchased the amount I could afford today, knowing that it wasn't a lot although it would make a small difference.
I stopped by the school and met the secretary on my way home. She asked me if I was a teacher, I said no. She then went on to ask if these were my own kids books, I told her I did not have children and these books are not used. She stopped and smiled and then said "so you're just doing this because..." And I said yes. We had a great conversation and she reached out towards the end to shake my hand and thank me.
I knew I didn't need a thank you when the secretary said, "You have no idea how excited the teachers will be to share these new books with the children tomorrow morning." That was all I needed.
Outside of my wonderful book drop off today, I had a woman in an office I call on who ran out to her car to get me a blanket to give to the animal shelter. The blanket drive in my offices is progressing, one small difference in my day.
I also spoke to a woman in charge of parks and recreations about the fundraiser for the local Children's Hospital next spring. She told me what it would take to get started and now I can move forward in this process one day at a time.
So I think what I learned today the most is that little things go a long way. The woman that ran to grab a blanket for the shelter in her car, gets to make a difference in the life of one animal. And a small handful of books will go a long way at school tomorrow for those children. I can still picture the books that I gave the school today, and now I get to picture the delight in a child's face by reading something new tomorrow.
Little things go a long way.....
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
It feels good...
So as I move forward each day daring to make small changes to contribute to my way of life, I began today by focusing on my animal shelter project. What could I do besides drop off my own blankets and get friends to help the shelter?? I decided to put together a blanket drive in my offices that I do business during the day with in my career. It feels great to be able to utilize my ideas in my job with those around me and make a greater impact. So over the course of the next month, I will be taking any old blankets that the office staff bring in and delivering to local animal shelters. Every little bit will help.
I also went to the County Shelter on my way home from work. It was a treacherous day here, there were severe thunderstorms everywhere and it was taking me so long just to get home. I realized that I wanted to get off the roads and go home so badly. However, taking my blankets to the shelter was my game plan today, so I stuck to it. That felt good too, knowing that I could have put a good deed off until tomorrow, why wait. It only takes a small good deed a day to change the life of someone around you.
I also had a chance to stop at the local VA drop boxes and take the pillows that the animal shelter could not take in. One extra small deed came out of the day unexpectedly. That felt good.
So the real truth of adopting this way of life is continuing to do it, come rain or shine. Knowing that there is somebody out there each day waiting for one small good deed and that waiting until tomorrow may feel like a lifetime for them. Tonight, hopefully there are two dogs that will get to cuddle up with the blankets that I left today, it feels good.
What will I bring to tomorrow?
I also went to the County Shelter on my way home from work. It was a treacherous day here, there were severe thunderstorms everywhere and it was taking me so long just to get home. I realized that I wanted to get off the roads and go home so badly. However, taking my blankets to the shelter was my game plan today, so I stuck to it. That felt good too, knowing that I could have put a good deed off until tomorrow, why wait. It only takes a small good deed a day to change the life of someone around you.
I also had a chance to stop at the local VA drop boxes and take the pillows that the animal shelter could not take in. One extra small deed came out of the day unexpectedly. That felt good.
So the real truth of adopting this way of life is continuing to do it, come rain or shine. Knowing that there is somebody out there each day waiting for one small good deed and that waiting until tomorrow may feel like a lifetime for them. Tonight, hopefully there are two dogs that will get to cuddle up with the blankets that I left today, it feels good.
What will I bring to tomorrow?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Setting a Pace Today
So in keeping with the spirit of adoption. I have begun to embrace the momentum today that I have spoken about, there is no reason to wait till tomorrow. The small differences and impact that I can make and change today will have a direct impact on not only the here and now but also tomorrow.
The whole concept of adopting a child and being in this process is centered around my desire to become a parent and my love for a child. It is so easy for me to see why adopting a child is the right choice for me because I want to make a difference in the life of our child someday. I want to parent with love, understanding, knowledge and truth. In setting a pace for making a difference, I am following my heart not only in adoption but also in my everyday life.
So where do I begin? How do I set the pace?
By incorporating the concept of adoption into my daily life, I am beginning again by finding out where I can make a small change in the lives of those around me. Today, I began by reaching out to the County's Animal Shelter, I asked them if they accepted donations of blankets for the animals and how worn they could be to take them. I love dogs, I think they are a piece of heaven put here on earth for a short while. Dogs live each day in the moment. They have the ability to love unconditionally and if it were not for man exploiting them there would not be a need to place them in shelters. There are too many puppy mills in America and too many abusive owners that neglect their animals. That is why they end up in shelters. I heard a stat not too long ago that said that over 800 dogs are euthanized a day and 1200 cats, that is unbelievable. It is also overwhelming to here that and I almost feel incapable of making a difference.
So, I have decided to start small and see where it takes me. I sent a message on to close family and friends asking them to save their old blankets and I will be making trips to the local shelters donating them from time to time. That's a beginning. I also contacted the local County Parks and Recreation center. I am finding out what it takes to reserve a county park nearby for a 5K fundraising event next spring. I am going to start putting together the steps necessary to make this event happen, and all proceeds will go to the local Children's Hospital.
So today, I set the pace. Tomorrow its another small change in my way of life to follow my heart.
The whole concept of adopting a child and being in this process is centered around my desire to become a parent and my love for a child. It is so easy for me to see why adopting a child is the right choice for me because I want to make a difference in the life of our child someday. I want to parent with love, understanding, knowledge and truth. In setting a pace for making a difference, I am following my heart not only in adoption but also in my everyday life.
So where do I begin? How do I set the pace?
By incorporating the concept of adoption into my daily life, I am beginning again by finding out where I can make a small change in the lives of those around me. Today, I began by reaching out to the County's Animal Shelter, I asked them if they accepted donations of blankets for the animals and how worn they could be to take them. I love dogs, I think they are a piece of heaven put here on earth for a short while. Dogs live each day in the moment. They have the ability to love unconditionally and if it were not for man exploiting them there would not be a need to place them in shelters. There are too many puppy mills in America and too many abusive owners that neglect their animals. That is why they end up in shelters. I heard a stat not too long ago that said that over 800 dogs are euthanized a day and 1200 cats, that is unbelievable. It is also overwhelming to here that and I almost feel incapable of making a difference.
So, I have decided to start small and see where it takes me. I sent a message on to close family and friends asking them to save their old blankets and I will be making trips to the local shelters donating them from time to time. That's a beginning. I also contacted the local County Parks and Recreation center. I am finding out what it takes to reserve a county park nearby for a 5K fundraising event next spring. I am going to start putting together the steps necessary to make this event happen, and all proceeds will go to the local Children's Hospital.
So today, I set the pace. Tomorrow its another small change in my way of life to follow my heart.
What does it mean to me today
Well, I thought I would begin by sharing what adoption means me to me. The meaning of adoption will continue to transform and evolve for me. Adoption has taken on many layers of meaning for me up to this point. At the very surface it is to parent a non-biological child who biological parents are unable to care for them. It also has taken on another layer and that is, adopting a way of life and understanding for those who are in need. Adoption means not only parenting but adopting a new way of thought by making a difference in the life of others, one day at a time.
Whether it's volunteering a few days a week at a nursing home, a developmentally disabled daycare, or creating a fundraising event to help someone in need. Adopting a new way of living can mean, reading to an elderly friend once a week, making a dinner for a neighbor in need, or spending time at the local animal shelter playing with a dog. There are so many small tweaks that can be made in life that can help those around us and make a difference in a big way for just one person. Yes, my husband and I are going to make a difference in our child's life through adoption.
However, why stop here, why begin and end with just that impact in one life. The are many ways to keep repeating the meaning of adoption my everyday life. Making this decision to adopt our child has helped me realize that it only takes one person at a time to make a positive impact in a huge way.
So my goal with beginning again and again and again is to keep my life on this momentum that adoption has given me. By adopting a new way of living for myself to help those around me, it will allow me to make small changes that will create a huge impact for just that one person, one moment at a time.
Whether it's volunteering a few days a week at a nursing home, a developmentally disabled daycare, or creating a fundraising event to help someone in need. Adopting a new way of living can mean, reading to an elderly friend once a week, making a dinner for a neighbor in need, or spending time at the local animal shelter playing with a dog. There are so many small tweaks that can be made in life that can help those around us and make a difference in a big way for just one person. Yes, my husband and I are going to make a difference in our child's life through adoption.
However, why stop here, why begin and end with just that impact in one life. The are many ways to keep repeating the meaning of adoption my everyday life. Making this decision to adopt our child has helped me realize that it only takes one person at a time to make a positive impact in a huge way.
So my goal with beginning again and again and again is to keep my life on this momentum that adoption has given me. By adopting a new way of living for myself to help those around me, it will allow me to make small changes that will create a huge impact for just that one person, one moment at a time.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The story to tell
As I am beginning this journey toward adoption there are privacy issues that I cannot discuss in detail. However, there are so many ways of life that adoption has affected my husband and I that I am so excited to begin sharing our story.
When we made our decision to move forward with the adoption process it was because we knew in hearts what felt right for us. This was the first step in beginning again. Knowing that we were the only two in the whole world that could make our lifetime decision to adopt was very intense and important.
We started to turn off all the noise in the background of our lives. Family and friends were so caring, although some had so many opinions on our fate of parenting and fertility, they were pretending to be our Genie in A Bottle or our Psychic Reader. Then there were our fertility doctors, even after going to three different clinics had three different medical opinions on our fate of parenting.
These noises and influences had affected our ability to focus on each other to decide how to become parents. Although, I am glad it took some time to turn off those background noises because during that time we came to an actualization of knowing what was good for us and our ability to become parents, and that right there was a lifetime of preparedness for parenting.
After reflecting on the past ten years of our lives together, we put the rest of the world aside and focused on our hearts and our knowing what felt right. The only answer that made sense for us to become parents was through the journey of adoption.
Just writing down how we came to understand which path to take in our lives brings and overwhelming sense of peace and calming to me. We put together the pieces of our puzzle to become parents and realized that we started that puzzle ten years ago.
Friday, July 9, 2010
To begin again....again....and again
So this is my first go at "blogging". I will be honest that I was completely "anti-blogging" until today. I saw a dear friend who had just gone through a very traumatic spinal cord injury. His body is not the way it used to be, although his mind is stronger and more powerful than ever from his experience. It was amazing to sit with him today and eventually discuss how "I" was doing, I found this difficult at first. However, I realized through our discussion that he was benefiting from helping me uncover the truest form of myself, just as much as I have over these past three years. He told me to "blog" about my experiences, especially the part about our adoption experience. I was surprised of his suggestion to "blog", I thought it would be the last piece of advice he would give me today. Instead of thinking about this piece of advice, I am doing it.
I have been on this "Adoption Journey" for over ten years now. My life has taken me on so many different paths that seemed so desolate and unlike the rest of those around me. I have realized over the last several years that my life has its own meaning, its own road to travel. Most of us have our own road to travel, its just that we are sometimes scared to do it. I have realized now that life is trying to tell me something, just like it does the rest of the world. Its whether I want to listen to it or not, that is the question.
So today, I am listening. Today, I am starting my blog. To begin again.....again....and again.
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