I'm alright.....

As I already discussed earlier, there are privacy issues with our adoption process that I cannot discuss. However, let's just say that we cleaned our home today for our process, I'll let you figure that out. It was interesting because as we organized certain parts of our home, we felt a purging process happening. I found a couple pregnancy tests underneath my bathroom sink first. I remember always testing to early just to give myself the hope that if the test was negative, it was maybe just too early. Oh, why the mental tortue! Beyond that, those tests are expensive! From that fertility roller coaster of doctors saying "2008 will be your year..." geesh I am so glad I have moved on from those days. Another thing I purged was all of those fertility books. "The Fertility Diet"..."Hormones and Your Body"..."Natural Conception". What a marketers dream I was back then! It feels great to be in a place where I can read Twilight, or The Fountainhead without having the urge to pick up one of those books anymore.

I was speaking to my Dad today, in reading my blog he came up with a great idea for donating food to the local food bank. He is a project manager and having an opening house with 6,000 people attending his new building in October. He will be asking each person who will be attending this event to bring one or more canned goods. It was awesome to here how a simple idea such as that at the right venue will have a big impact on the local food bank. Kudos to my dad! We have always had such a great "father/daughter" relationship. As I have gotten older, I realize how much in common I have to my dad. He is the type of Dad who has been there for every little moment in my childhood; recitals, basketball games, to walking me down the aisle on my wedding day. He has an amazing work ethic and I learned a lot about morals from the way he lives his life. After speaking with him this evening, he asked if there was anything he could do to help us get our home ready. He never blinks an eye when it comes to being there for his family. I distinctly remember a time when we were young and my mom only worked part-time. He totaled his car in a really bad rain storm, and my parents could not afford to buy a second car. Instead for at least a year he walked miles everyday and night to take the bus to and from work. He never complained, he remained a great dad during that hardship. My parents taught me a lot about being happy with whatever "things" you have or don't have, its not what made our home a home.

It was my Dad's who had an easier time with the news that we were moving forward with the adoption process. He was calm and peaceful in knowing that this was what his daughter and son-in law wanted. My parents both knew that day we told them at their home that we weren't going to look back. There were lots of happy tears and we began to explain the process to them both. Not too long after, did my father confide that my mom was having a harder time with things. My mom was so loving, understanding and proud of our choice to adopt.

However, it was her wish for me as a daughter to conceive naturally and she began to feel a loss. It was same loss that I had begun to feel before that time. I understood her pain. She was angry, I had been angry; she was sad, I had been sad; she was confused, I had been confused. I could relate to her pain and yet, I was free of it. It did not impact my decision to continue to pursue adoption, I was ready and Andrew was too. This pain that my mother could feel for her daughter is what makes her a great mom. She needed to feel whatever it was she had to, like I did, in order to move forward. I had already let go of comparing my life to those around me in that regard. Maybe it was the ten baby showers and than births that I had been a part of the past two years. Those were joyous times for my friends and I wanted to be there for them, although at that time, it was hard. Looking back, I am so grateful that I could be a part of their child's life, because they will be a part of our child's shower, and first birthday and so forth. There goes my imagination....

My parents both had different perspectives on our choice to adopt at first, at I am so thankful that they could be so open with me on how they felt....the good stuff and the difficult stuff, isn't that what life's about? They have been there for me since I was born and I have been able to show them a new set a lenses on life with our choice to adopt. It feels like so long ago that we first told them, and every single step of the way, they have been there for Andrew and I. From refinishing our kitchen, to calling us to check in after our meetings, they continue to care beyond words can say.

So, as a side-note....my husband Andrew's favorite movie is Caddyshack! I think that was the first DVD he purchased when I bought him his first DVD player in 2002. Thanks to thinking about his favorite movie I can't get the theme song out by Kenny Loggins out of my head...."I'm all right....no buddy worry bought me...Why you got to give me a fight...Can't you just let it be"...Maybe that's the theme of this blog for today.

In hopes to get that song out of my head as I go up to bed...yep, I said that....I will listen to my favorite song as of today, which is Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap....listen to the words on that one.

Sweeeeeeet Dreams