Andrew and I moved into our home six years ago right before we were married. During the past six years I have changed the color on the walls in our home many times. I think painting is somewhat symbolic to the change in our lives. Change is inevitable, and so why not paint. It seems like every time I decide to paint, I am going through a change in my life. I love how color can create a completely different feel to a room. My friends think I'm crazy for wanting to paint, who likes to? Apparently, I do...
Yesterday, I decided to take the awful lemon meringue color on our bedroom wall that blinded you like the sun, I'm serious. I went for a really mellow green, so cool and calming. It took all day to put two sets of coats on the wall and when I woke up this morning I smiled. I have realized over the past several years of my life, that our happy home is not based on the number of bedrooms or bathrooms, or the size of our backyard. Its the love that Andrew and I have for one another, and the love that we put into making it our home. It's why I decided to paint.
This winter when we knew we were certain that we were going to pursue adoption, they informed us that our home could not be under construction. We began to refinish our kitchen ourselves. This winter was the snowiest history on record for our city and it was so fitting that we were snowed in our home, as we began to remodel our kitchen. We started by taking down all the cabinet doors that were a light oak. We stripped the doors and sanded them down, that took a lot of hard work.....Ok, it took a lot on Andrew's part....I painted all the cabinets on my own though...I swear!! I painted them an antique white and distressed them a burnt umber. We started the kitchen back in March and last week the color went up on the wall to finish the project.
It was bitter sweet knowing that we were done. The love that Andrew and I put into our kitchen project was what makes a home a home. We feel great about the time and energy that was directed towards finishing our project, preparing our home for our baby someday. Painting our bedroom yesterday had the same symbolism for me.
There were moments during our years of infertility that I kept wanting more, never feeling fully satisfied with what we had in the present. I was not allowing myself the possibility though to imagine myself as a mom. I turned off that possibility.....Until the day that we decided to go forward with adoption. Andrew and I scheduled our "meeting" one night this past winter to come to an understanding of what was the best direction for us to continue on. I held back my true sense of knowing that adoption felt right for me because I wanted both of us to be on the same page together. Andrew put together a chart with every option on it. Would we keep going down the path of IVF? Would we consider a surrogate? How about some new age therapy? Would we even consider donor? Would we just let go and live our life on our own? Or would we choose to adopt?
It did not take long for the pros and cons for each possibility to get rather lengthy for us. We came to the topic of adoption and it felt like we didn't speak for several minutes and just looked at the word. Andrew took all the other options and moved them to the other side of the chart. The only thing left was adoption, he knew. When he knew I began to let go. Every force that had been guiding me over the past ten years was playing in my head like a movie in reverse....This was our way of life.
Immediately, after we knew what felt right, I began to let go. I let myself picture my life as a Mom, our home with a child and our future as parents. I then suddenly realized that no matter what happened in our future the decision to adopt felt so right, I was happy with just knowing, and that was enough. Even now as I look around our home, life has continued since that day we decided to begin pursuing adoption, we are not parents, and yet I am happy. Our home feels like a home to me not because I can predict our future as a family, but because I followed my heart, that's what life is about, isn't it? So that choice alone was enough of a reward because it was right for me and for Andrew.
So I painted yesterday, it felt right and it meant more to me than just a new color on the wall. For ten years my life has been full of many different colors on the walls and now I see why.
Thanks Ty....when I began to think about that story in a different way it really was amazing how the nurses and doctors from my childhood were there and the same, yet everything in my life has changed....pretty cool. So thankful for you being a huge part of this path in my life. You have been an amazing role model to me in overcoming that brick wall and moving forward in life, that's what it's all about, right.... Love you :)
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