www.adoptingawayoflife.com

To all those reading....

My blog just got easier to follow.

Please paste this link to your brower:

www.adoptingawayoflife.com

I ask those who are reading will share this new link with the people in your lives.

Keep hope alive, share it.

Love, L

LISTEN

This week continued....

To those questions asked by a reader, here is my detailed description:

I remember that Isabelle's voice was very proper. She had a loud, almost British tone to her words. She was a determined and funny in her demeanor. She spoke for some time to my parents asking about my health, I remember her speaking to me as if I was her grandchild, with care and concern. She laid in the bed closest to the window and I in the other bed close to the hallway door. We had curtain that we never really used between us, only at times when we were sleeping. I recall starting to regain my appetite at the end of my stay and still not being able to eat. Isabelle would order meals that smelled just like Thanksgiving dinner...well at the time, and I was frustrated only having jello or water ice to choose from on my menu.

This stay was my first memory of being overnight in a hospital bed. It was lonely at night. Except for the noises of all of the monitors and patients yelling "Nurse...Nurse, every so often." My parents knew the rule was that they could not stay. Of course that did not stop them. They slept in the chair the first couple nights and then the visitors suite...Everyone was hoping that my white blood cell count would start to go down, it was at around 36,000 when I entered. During the day, it was very busy...I was seen by my surgeon who could not determined what I was fighting. I was sent down to other floors for diagnostic tests. There were a few doctors that came to examine my case, including an infectious disease doctor. I remember that my abdomen was distended. I looked about nine months pregnant, and I could barely walk. I recall walking like an ninety year old, up and down the oncology floor for the first time a week after I was admitted. My dad actually saw a man who was a patient on the floor with the same exact name of him, and he introduced himself, he was suffering from lung cancer.

I had a few family members and a close friend who came to see me. I do remember being too sick to really acknowledge how grateful I was for their visit. I remember hearing my parents voices with them and the pain that my parents were feeling. They had no control.

At the time, we did not know what was wrong and what I was fighting. However, after I was released we were informed that this was peritonitis. It happens usually after a gunshot wound or a ruptured appendix, although I contracted this infection as a result of my surgery. I heard on the radio the other day that one of the main causes of deaths from hospitals is postoperative infections. Most of my family and friends did not see me in Memorial so they did not know how terrible the pain and the infection was in my body. However, when I arrived home they sent gifts and made visits to see how I was recovering.

I felt lucky to have so many people in my life that loved me and cared for me so much, I felt so loved. I also felt so alone, the pain was so raw from having just gone through that trauma. As time went by the memories of the pain of my stay started to fade. What I do remember is not the pain...its that there were so many people who cared. Starting with my parents, who did not leave my bedside for almost two weeks. My roommate, Isabelle, who helped bring a piece of my heart back. The nurses who my parents and I became close with as a result of my extended stay. My brother who came home from college to be by my side....The friends and family who called, sent cards and made visits when I returned home. And my future husband who changed his mind and cancelled a date...to wait for me.

Ten years ago this week....

Ten years ago on the last Thursday in September, my future husband asked me for my phone number. I was out with a girlfriend, Melissa, who knew him from grade school. I spotted that curly hair, big smile and dimples a mile away and we hit it off that night, although he was shy about asking me for my number. Andrew called me a few days later and we spoke on the phone for over an hour about our lives. He wanted to take me out on a date that weekend however I had to pass. I was going in for surgery in a few days and wanted to rest up. I felt compelled to be honest with him rather than make up an excuse not to go on that date. Andrew called me the day after my surgery to see how I was feeling. I felt physically fine when I spoke to him the next day, although I was a bit surprised that he took the time to call me....we had only exchanged numbers less than a week before.

Over the next day, I started to develop a lot of pain, I then had a very high fever of 104, and I was becoming dehydrated. A day later, I found myself in the hospital for a week and a half with a major infection. I don't remember the first two days in the hospital. I remember my parents sleeping in the chair by my bedside. I remember not being able to walk on my own or eat the whole time. That was one of the hardest moments of my life. I was fighting for it. I did not know how sick I was at the time, however there were all sorts of doctors in my room, often. A few days before I left, I was starting to feel like my strength was coming back. I was taking small steps around the oncology floor that they had me on. I had a private room until that day, they placed a woman named Isabelle in with me. She was in her late seventies, married to a man named Jasper. Her son and his wife would visit her often. Isabelle, knew I was very sick. I did not know why she was in the hospital at first. They had moved her to the oncology floor from another one. Her son told us that she had a brain tumor.

As the next couple days went by, and I started to regain my personality, I found myself in conversation with Isabelle. She was such a loving, strong and determined woman. I found my own self feeding off of her ability to be strong in her life, she was amazing. The day before I left the hospital, I knew I was going to leave her, we had become friends. I wanted to give her a piece of my heart, something that she gave to me during those dark days. I wrote a poem entitled "Isabelle the Great". She was so honored and touched when I read the copy of the poem to her and her family on the day I left.

A few years ago, my parents received a letter from Isabelle's husband, Jasper. It was at Christmas time. He wrote a note to me and my parents wishing us happy holidays. He told us of Isabelle's passing the year before to the brain tumor. At the end of his note Jasper wrote, "We had a wake for Isabelle where we read your Poem for all to here "Isabelle the Great." I began to cry, was this possible? How brief my meeting was with Isabelle and her family, I was able to thank her for bringing me back to life when she lost her own. She gave me my heart back, when I felt so weak. I found my ability to love during that time in the hospital, and for that I will forever remember.

And so on the last day of my stay in the hospital, my father came from home. Dad said that this guy Andrew had left a few messages on their answering machine. It was a Friday, so he brought Andrew's number with him...I picked up the phone and dialed it. Andrew answered on the other end, I told him where I had been and that I was coming home. What I did not know is that Andrew thought I had blown him off...he had made plans for that evening to go on a date with a friend. He hung up the phone with me and cancelled that date. That was the beginning of my life with my future husband, my soulmate...and a moment meeting an angel in heaven, Isablle the Great.

The story of Mia

This weekend marks my dog Mia's seventh birthday. It was November 17th 2003, my Mom's birthday, when we brought her home. I had just gotten engaged three weeks before to Andrew. He was going to propose to me down by the river walking his roomate's dog Yaeger, that we all adored. The night Andrew asked for my hand in marriage to my father, Yaeger was killed in a hit and run accident, it was devastating to all. He was the first dog that we ever had in my parents house. There was one night when Yaeger thought the back screen door at my folks was open, and walked right into it...he was such a goof. He was only a year and a half when he died, it was a difficult loss because he was so loyal to all of us.

Two months before her birthday, my Mom's father was diagnosed with terminally ill lung cancer. My grandmother had gone into a nursing home the year before with a condition called "failure to thrive." And so when we heard that my healthy, active and most of all loving Pop-Pop was sick, it rocked our family to the core. He was our strength, it was not expected. Never once acknowledging that he heard the doctors say he was dying my Mom's dad went to his chemotherapy appointments and made friends with all the nurses. My mom on the other hand was torn. It was her father, the man she adored, she was going to loose him to cancer, soon. She put on a brave face around him, and when the time came a month later when Andrew proposed, she was joyful. Although somewhere in the back of all of our heads we knew Pop would not be around to see that day, on earth at least. So when her birthday arrived, my brother James, asked the question...."What do you think about getting Mom a dog?" I rushed home to pick him up to travel up to the Barn to search high and low for the dog that would take away her sadness....or so we hoped.

As James and I lapped through the barn we came across two puppies. They were labeled "Husky/Lab/Mini-Eskimo". We took them out to play with them, the male dog had patch over his eye and seemed to be much smaller than the other. The sister pup, had wolf like mask around her face...piercing blue and brown eyes....and white gloves on each of her paws, with floppy ears. James and I debated over which one we could choose. We even called my father to get his opinion, he only said the words "Do what you think is best." We pretended not to understand what he really meant. On our way out of the store, the female pup stood up on her hind legs and walked towards both of us. We knew...She would eventually come home with us later that evening. As Andrew, James and I walked in to my parents home, my mother asked repeatedly "Whose dog is that? Whose dog is that? " She was in a bit of denial that night as we all were enamored by the little five pound puppy that looked like a doll. Three days later, my Mom called me at work and told me that she wanted me to return the dog. She said that she was not one of those people who could love an animal. Mia never went back to the barn. I have this imprint of my mother a month later at Christmas laying on the floor as Mia playfully kisses her face... and my Mom's voice saying the words "I love you Mia..."

My Pop-Pop passed away later the next spring, never once asking why. My mother grieved, we all grieved. Two years later my grandmother passed when her body decided to shut down the day after Mother's Day. Through all these moments, our dog has stood by as our loyal family companion. Through it all, Mia, has been a ray of sunshine for all of us. I really truly believe that God only puts dogs her on earth for such a short while because they are so perfect, he needs them back.

WIth life comes love. Even when we loose it, we find it again...in the unexpected places....

You....yourself

I attended a talk last night. The speaker said something that resonated deep within....."Everything begins with love." If you can love, it can reach into every pore of your body and spill over to result in a bigger better version of the person inside. It sometimes seems as though the world shows every other emotion so easily except for love. We keep it tightly wrapped in a box waiting to be used when we deem fitting. What I have begun to realize by choosing adoption, I have released this love I kept in that box. Embracing this life and seeing its beauty, gave me the strength to begin to love. Where did I begin? By accepting to love the most crucial piece of this equation. ME

For loving myself became my way of life. What comes as a result of this love is gravy. This trickle down effect has had momentum. Love is the beginning...Love is what life is about....Love is what gives us meaning....Love is how beauty exists....Love is what gives us Hope....Love is what brings Empowerment. Love is sharing with others the beauty of adoption. For me...adoption is LOVE...it is ME.

So my hope for those reading..... Begin with LOVE. Begin with yourself....that love in the box is waiting to be used....

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."

There Goes The Fear....

After reading your comment Heather, from the last post....I began to consider that word "scared". Where does real fear originate? I feel that fear is the unknown, fear for me is indecision, and fear is not letting go of life. When I took an acting class last summer one thing that came to mind was what my instructor Robyn said...."We are not are emotions, we choose which emotions to have in any given situation." Fear is an emotion that encompasses many stressful physical responses. Choosing to let go of fear is a choice.....We cannot choose many things in life beyond living in the moment and finding beauty.
I think for me fear brings the inability to DO. It's thinking about something and not acting on it.

For me last summer that is literally where it began, acting. For many years I had always wanted to take acting classes. Last summer, in the midst of our infertility stalling, I decided to DO. I took a class in New York, "In the Moment, The Art of Being". This was a workshop referred to me by a family friend who had been acting for years in the Big Apple. At first this decision seemed a bit daunting...How would I travel to New York during the week at night? How experienced would the other actors be in the class? Would I be able to stand up and perform for the first time in fifteen years....And then one day, I leaped.

I leaped into the class, letting go of my fears, letting go of my expectations, letting go of my life outside this class. It was for me, and only me. This was a decision to DO something that I had wanted to for a decade, instead of finding a million and one reasons why not to DO it. One night in the middle of our three hour class, I went up in front of the other fourteen actors and did a prepared monologue. I had been in front of the class ALONE several times, this night was different. I stopped thinking and just gave in to the words, the meaning behind my monologue. I chose to feel the emotions I believed the character was feeling. It was in that moment, that I felt a myofascial release. A purging of my fears run out of my body. I let go. In the moment, I realized that this night was a new start. I became the woman who was overcoming fear, I stopped thinking and I started to act. At the end of my monologue the class stood in silence looking at me...I began to realize that this out of body experience was real, and I saw their faces. My amazing instructor quietly said, "whatever you have been through in your life is the reason you are here...you have a gift to tell a story in your eyes". What I felt she meant, is that my eyes are the gateway to my heart. By letting go of fear, I began to follow my heart. I have a vivid memory of this night of class, this new way of life that began months before we decided to adopt. Acting became my strength....however it was not just the acting....it was the ability to DO and not just think. The ability to LET GO....and not hold everything inside....and the ability to CHOOSE my emotions, which is the only control that I ever needed all along....This experience was the first chapter to my discovery of hope...and what hope has given me is empowerment....

Thank you Heather for recognizing that Andrew and I are united as a family and a marriage in this hope to become parents. There were times when fear was the emotion I chose during this process, and in other aspects of my life, when I felt paralyzed to move forward... to enjoy the moment. This leap of faith became our Acting Class in our world as a couple. Which is how we came to let go of fear....

The Doves "There Goes The Fear".....great song
"You turn around and life's passed you by
You look to those you love to ask them why
There goes the fear, Let it Go."

Crossing Paths.....

A deer ran out in front of my car today. It was a doe, she was as tall as my car. I came around a turn at a street light and started to speed up to 35mph. Out of the corner of my right eye I saw this very tall brown thing move past the tree line and then into my path on the road. When I tell you seconds, I mean maybe one second difference that I missed clipping her back leg. As she gracefully galloped across this two lane country road, I had no time to even touch the break. My adrenaline kicked in and before I knew it she was gone. I won't forget what she looked like, and that the entire moment she passed my car...her eye was on me.

Not too long before my intersection with the majestic doe, I stopped at a local convenient store to get a snack and a cherry diet coke for my afternoon drive. Walking towards the double doors of the bustling place, I noticed an older man leaning against the concrete wall with a cane in his one hand and a glazed donut in the other. He was putting most of his weight on his cane as he shoved half the donut in his mouth. He wore a bright orange hat that read the words "Semper Fi Marine" on it. As I approached the area where he stood, he looked up and me and said "Hi, how ya doing?". I smiled, said hello and walked inside. This man reminded me of my Mom's father...Pop-Pop, he looked around the same age. I knew that when I came out of the store that I would say hello again, with a purpose.

As I roamed the convenient store hunting for a snack, I began to think about my grandfather who had passed several years ago. Pop used to walk every day to Greeman's, a local market, around a half a mile from their home. My earliest memories as a small child were of him taking me there for trips during the day, he would always buy me a scratch off lottery ticket...while he tried to win big at the Pick Six. Everyone in Greeman's new him by Harry. As I grew older we still walked to that same store to get those lotto tickets... even the coming weeks before he died. When my grandfather passed there was a line out the door of the funeral pallor. The young girls who worked at Greeman's came to say goodbye, as they crying they placed some lottery tickets by his side. It was a beautiful moment for my entire family. Harry may not have ever struck it rich in the lottery, however end the end...he won. Harry meant so much to everyone he met because he cared. He cared about his neighbors, he cared about a stranger on the street, and most of all his family. I remember how important it was for Pop to speak to everyone he crossed paths with each day.

Upon exiting the convenient store today, the man in the "Semper Fi" orange hat stood staring out to the road. I asked him if he was a Marine. He said yes, looking at me bewildered....I asked when he served....."1942 to 46", he said with hesitation....I smiled....so did my grandfather I spoke. He told me about being stationed over in the South Pacific. Afterwards, he said something that struck me..."I almost forgot that I served over there, it was so long ago I can't remember that well." And yet he was wearing that orange hat. As we spoke I told him about both my grandfathers both serving in the military and when I brought home sand from the beaches of Normandy, France for them. He smiled. I listened as he spoke about his experience as a marine. At the end of our conversation, we say goodbye....I thanked him for serving and he looked at me with a crooked smiled...and said "you have a nice day miss".

Its so easy to cross paths with hundreds of people in a day. Today I stopped to say hello to a man that gave me back a piece of my grandfather whom I loved very dearly. This man will hopefully go home with a new recollection today of talking about his days serving our country, and a stranger who thanked him for it.

Crossing paths with a stranger....with a doe....and finding meaning in it....gives me the strength to allow me to hope for anything....And It is with this hope that someday soon, Andrew and I will cross paths with the life of one child.

However....

It was noon today, I had just scarfed down a Special K bar in the car to try to catch a customer in an office. It was my second time returning, the secretary Elle told me to come back in an hour. When I returned, Elle, was sitting behind the office eagerly waiting to ask me a question. A few weeks ago, I had mentioned to her that I was adopting a child and in waiting.
Today she asked me if I heard any news....No news....No phone call.

The green leaves on the trees are transforming to bright shades of orange and red...It's pretty obvious in the fall that our lives are transitioning. The fragility of how life can be altered in landscape is apparent...although we may not always recognize this feeling in our daily lives. I love this time of year, it pushes me to believe in that transformation in my life, to strive for it. I would sometimes reach for changing things in my life that I could not control.

This year I began to hold onto that which has given me strength, adoption. I began to talk about it to others, because I am so passionate about this process on so many levels. Adoption was the transformation that I needed to feel EMPOWERED in my life.
I had a discussion with this secretary a few weeks ago, she had given me some blankets for the animal shelter that I visit. I began to tell Elle about our experience with adoption and how it has changed my perspective.

Elle is a fifty year old, married mother of two. Her two children are in college now. She loved raising her kids and feels a longing to nurture. A month ago she was discussing her consideration of adopting a dog. Elle also used to run a daycare for years before she became a secretary at this office. Today, she began a new consideration....she informed me that she was thinking about becoming a Foster Mom. She was unsure if her husband would be interested in the notion. She said that Jim loves children, and he would be great at helping her Foster. While I was in the office with her we took the time to research online what it takes to foster a child and the benefits of the program. One needs to be married, with a stable income, and would consider fostering to adopt someday. Elle described to me the joy that she would get from helping a child in need before they find a permanent home. She mentioned that she did not want to adopt permanently she would only consider fostering at her age. We talked about the possibility of someone in her life who would consider to adopt a child that she fosters....that she could be the gateway to a child's new beginning. As I left the office today, Elle was going to sit down with her husband to discuss the possibility of the foster program.

Today, no phone...no word on when....HOWEVER....change is happening.

Endless....

Did you see the clouds today? I did. They were endless...white tones, with splashes of gray and layers of blue throughout them. Out on the open road I saw changing shapes and flowing patterns of anything and everything imaginable. There was a turtle, a whale, a submarine, ducks, a pirate ship, even one of a puppy...there was also a cloud shaped like a baby. Whatever you could imagine you could capture it in the clouds today.....

I also saw a man in a waiting room today. He was in a wheelchair. The nursing home facility had a driver drop him off an hour before his scheduled appointment. He had been waiting for an hour and a half, alone. The home sent no aid, yet he could barely speak, a stroke or parkinson patient I assumed. It seems as if he did not have much of his mental capacity left. His ability to think and speak was barely there, and yet no aid. This was not his CHOICE...like so many things in life.

I wrote a quote down the other day about hopes and dreams. To dream is to imagine....and even the slightest bit of that can carry hope. Every child has this gift at a young age...they imagine, which gives them the ability to dream of the hopes and possibilities. Somewhere along the way as I grew older in life I felt like someone stole my ability to dream, to hope. It was my trust that was stolen...I looked everywhere. Searching high and low for that trust...I sought doctors advice, the wisdom from family and friends, and from the world around. It wasn't until I stopped searching that I found it...trust was always within. The choice to dream about the shapes in the clouds was always there inside. Once I began to trust, I began to hope. A child can teach us so much...how to dream, how to live in the moment, and to hope for anything in life. It's that hope that resides within us all..it's choosing to trust in that hope, which only comes from within. The choice to hope...the choice to trust...and the choice to dream.

"The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams."

Away We Go....

So, it has been almost a week since I last posted. We have been on the road up and down the east coast visiting my brother and sister-in-law in Rhode Island. This was our second trip up to visit them both and so my brother James and his wife Em, asked us if we would like to head to Newport for the day....a cliff walk was suggested. Cliff walk?? I mean, its Rhode Island...really cliffs, I wondered. So we ventured out to Newport on Saturday, the day after Hurricane Earl slightly grazed the east coast. We took the short drive to the beach and parked our car near the walk...we began what was a three mile tour. I had no idea what I would encounter along this walk, it was the unknown.

The walk begin with high cement walls on the side of the bay, followed by beautifully designed historic mansions on the other. As we continued to the unknown we came around the corner to the ocean, there were rocks leading out to the ocean, looking down we came across surfers walking out on these giants rocks to go catch some really big waves, stirred by the path of the hurricane. Andrew was inspired by their point of entry to swim out to waves, he photographed dozens of pictures. The wind was turbulent at times almost blowing us off our footing....the glory of mother nature with the waves crashing along the rocks was directly in front of us. We pressed on to find a Asian Inspired Pagoda House along the cliff, not expecting to come across such a beautiful building in Newport. The four of us were challenged along the walk to climb rocks and find the best path for our grip as we climbed up and around a much larger cliff than I ever imagined I would find in this town. The flowers and tall grass at times along our path were so beautiful. It was amazing that this three mile journey was created by mother nature.

We finished our walk, feeling as though we accomplished a great feet...and we did. As we walked into town to catch a trolley back to our cars, Andrew turned to me and said "My love for you is stronger now." I asked him what made him feel that way. It was mother nature, staring at us right in the face that windy day in Newport. The giant rocks, the beautiful trail of flowers, the amazing force of the wind, the fantastic waves caused by the remnants of Earl. Nature was staring at us in the face, and Andrew and I both realized we had each other. In this turbulent world of change that is beyond our control, we have us...we have our love...and that is just as powerful when we let it be.

L-I-V-E

Over the past six months during our home-study process Andrew and I have LEARNED so much about ourselves, our strength, and our love. Since July, I have been sharing my story with you all and the words of kindness have been so wonderful. To continue to SHARE I would like to fill you in on where we are in our adoption journey.....We have spent the past two weeks working on our picture profile; sharing the story of us for the birth-mothers who come to the agency. As of tomorrow we will be officially finished home-study, dropping our last piece of papers to the agency. We LEARNED that this means we are "paper pregnant", its a term the social workers like to use. "Paper pregnant"....means that the next time we speak to the agency, will be when we are selected as the parents by a birth-mother. Regardless of how it happens, it is going to happen. Since there is no more work to do on our end through the agency.... I could sit around and twiddle my thumbs and wait, or I can LIVE.

In order to live, I need to follow my heart....Hope now exists for me in life, I want to use it to inspire those whose hope has faded. There was the time when a baby store was my enemy...a pregnant woman was my envy..... There once was a woman who use to cry at Juno, and now I don't search for my life in a movie...cause it's real.

I realize now how to begin the announcement for the group that I am starting at my parish: LIVE, LEARN & SHARE in the journey of adoption: For couples who have, who are interested in or who are hesitant to walk in this path....

Begin with Hope

On my way home from visiting a friend today, I felt compelled to stop by the Church rectory of my parish. I had not been to Church in the past two months however, I had this urge making me turn right into the parking lot. I realized that they were setting up for the annual Carnival that begins this evening. The odds of me speaking to someone, I assumed were low. Contrary to my assumption my experience couldn't have been any further from it.

When Andrew and I first decided we were going to move forward with adoption, we discovered the young priest in our parish, Father Mike, was adopted. He spoke about his experience in the spring during a mass. We reached out to Father Mike and had lunch with him one weekend in early spring. We listened to his story of how he was raised by two very loving parents and his life through adoption; his perspective was new for us. We also discovered that like Andrew, Father Mike was a surfer, and thus the spiritual connection between us became deeper.

When I opened the doors of the rectory Father Mike was standing in the lobby, almost as if he was waiting for me, unknowingly. I told father of our journey during the last five months in our adoption home-study. He was very grateful for my visit and said that he would pray that our wait would be short. I began to explain to Father Mike how empowered I felt from this experience and wanted to do more. There are couples out there like Andrew and I that want nothing more to become parents, yet they feel hopeless. They have no insurance to cover fertility, and no income to support what they assume to be the astronomical costs associated with adoption.

In what began as a two minute conversation, turned into a hour and half one. I found myself sitting in the kitchen of the rectory speaking to Father Mike, The Pastor and Pat, a friend of the family who works at the rectory. Father Mike, stood at the counter eat a banana. Monsignor Rich, spread out a handful of M&Ms on a placement and Pat and I picked at a bowl of cherries that were delicious. We began to brainstorm together on ideas of an adoption group at the parish. The Revered from the entire Diocese of our state is coming to our parish in the fall to have a meeting centered around adoption. They asked me to run it. I found myself being whisked away to a world of possibilities. How will I begin this group? Who will come? What will be the focus of our meeting. So begins my story.

My hope is to give hope to families who don't have it. There were times along my way that I could not picture our home with a child. A few years ago, I began to watch the world around me change, friends and family members becoming pregnant, moving forward with their lives...and I was not. My struggle to become a mother is going to serve a purpose, I have found my way...now its time to give my hope to those who need it most.

I am my friend....

As I drove in my car today, I listened to a song that seemed to make the cars and trees move in harmony; it was as if the world around me was dancing. I came across the Simon and Garfunkel song…. The Boxer. Instead of driving in solemnity thinking about what list I had to do today, or mindless thoughts that I sometimes wander upon, I began to listen to this song, so deeply that I felt an overpowering feeling of strength. Where was that strength that I felt coming from? I asked myself to follow that feeling that I had from this song…..
For years I found myself searching for the answer of who I am from those around me, from my job, from every external identity that I could claim. I was searching for the answers of my life. The answers to the struggles that have taken place along my way. I reached for the infamous question we all ask…"Why?" I thought if I knew the meaning to all of the “why” questions, I would find strength to handle my life. In the song, The Boxer, the music takes your mind on a journey, searching with every note something new. The song describes a story of a poor man’s struggle for life. The words are spoken…“I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there.” I could feel those words digging deep into my soul. Those quiet moments which felt like I was on a desert island with no one around but myself to make sense of life. No one ever answered those questions, and yet now I don’t need to know. That feeling of strength that I had throughout this song was within me, it was my own voice. The years of asking "why" to the world around me to find the answers are fading. The only strength I needed all along was to believe in myself, and I do. That inner voice that kept questioning life for so many years is now filled with only one answer that is necessary to live. The answer is me. This is how I came to adopting a new way of life, which is why I can to see beyond the adoption and into who I am, and that is the answer.

It’s a belief in who you are, and no one or nothing else can give you that but yourself.

“Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

Old and New....

Over the weekend we had my cousin Nikki's two boys overnight on Saturday for a sleep-over party. We picked up the boys at their home Saturday afternoon in our SUV that we got four years ago. When we purchased the car we had hopes of filling up the extra space with a child of our own someday. Before their dad Shaun had the bags in the car the boys were in the backseat setting up. Justin is four and is still using the older kids car-seat that I had just registered for a week ago. Colin is six and only needed a small booster seat. Seconds after they piled into our now older SUV, they realized we had dvd player in the back. The excitement in their faces made all the years that we have not been able to use the dvd player, seem to fade away fast. Wow, can we watch a movie! Kung Fu Panda was chosen, and off we went on our weekend adventure... As we drove to and from our destinations over the next two days Andrew and I got to experience life with kids in the back. The boys faces only minutes after we started the movie were priceless. They stared in awe at the screen, it was the best. Later on as we drove home from the aquarium, Justin fell asleep in the back with his thumb in his mouth and his head dangling down moving with every turn, while Colin laughed to himself watching the last half of Kung Fu Panda. Andrew and I held hands as I glanced into the back every so often. He would check in the mirror at stops and look over at me and smile. In those moments in our older SUV we began to feel something new that Andrew and I had so desperately wanted for so long. We are about to be "in waiting" for our own child, and this weekend we had these two boys that we love as much as humanly possible give us a gift that we have wanted for years. It is a gift that comes with no price tag attached, a moment in our lives that was so hard to picture at one point, and now someday soon it will be our reality. So thank you both so very much Justin and Colin, for giving us those moments, letting our hearts feel, something that we tried not to for so long.

Imperfect

Our last class was yesterday. It was a beautiful day. I started off by seeing beauty in someone that I would not have noticed in the past. I was sitting in a doctors office waiting to speak to the doctor, I was probably the only person in the entire room under the age of 70 years old. There was a half a dozen patients waiting to see the doctor... and in walks a woman who was most likely in her mid seventies. She had khaki baggy linen pants on with tan sandles and a matching tan leather bag. The woman stood out because she had this pretty teal blue shirt that caught my eye, I could not take my eyes off the color of her shirt. She walked into the office alone. As she approached the front desk she pulled out a gadget underneath her pretty teal shirt and put it in her hand and raised it to her throat. It was an electrolarynx, a voice machine that made her voice sound like a computer. She just had her larynx removed most likely due to cancer. I was startled by the noise at first and could not take my eyes off of her like most others in the room. I could not understand every word she was saying however I began to notice something that brought tears to my eyes. She was smiling, she was making jokes and laughing..... This older woman went from having a beautiful teal shirt to radiating beauty from within her. This woman was alone, she had just gone through a major life change, and she was accepting of her way. And so it was her imperfection that made her beautiful. I went into our meeting with the image of this woman yesterday and looked around at all the other couples who would soon be in waiting for their child too. Some couples were young, some were older, some were straight and others were gay. Every couple in this meeting was embracing their way, the life that they were carving out for themselves. Each person there yesterday had not gotten to this point by imitating someone else's life, they saw the beauty in their own, and so began their own adoption story.

So I say today what I heard on the film Tuesday something that resonated deep within...."Tis better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's life perfectly." That imperfection is what led us to this amazing journey....

Eat Pray Love.....And.....

I went tonight to see the movie Eat Pray Love, with my mother. I walked out with a feeling of hope. Unlike the many critics of this movie, I had not read the book yet. It was in many ways a typical Hollywood movie, however, I could feel the authors emotions in the script. I understood her quest to become who she could be. And to lose the parts of her that she thought she needed, most of all fear. I am sure that many women who read this book connected with her on so many different levels. Letting go of love, letting go of those extra fifteen pounds, letting go of the life she thought she was "supposed" to have someday. In the film they say "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life."

When we made our choice to move forward with our adoption plan, things around me started to change. I began to find love in unexpected places in life. Places that Andrew has always shown me, like the gophers that he always finds on the edge of the road....the red tail hawks....the small road near our busy street full of thirty or so deer at sunset. I began to see what he has helped me see for so many years...the world around me. Andrew is a surfer. He is connected to life in a way that has brought me peace and imagination. His way of life has allowed me the possibility to dream more, to see the world around me differently and most of all to love.

This year when we decided our path together in adoption I lost balance because our decision was out of such a strong love....for each other...for our child...and for our dreams. I did lose balance this year for love, and I see now what that has given me. In the movie a friend tells Elizabeth to take the noise out of her head and let the love come in....I know that to be true. It's possible for us all to do when we let go of the fear. Love is all around us...

Schooling....

I went to work with a purpose today, to purchase my first book on parenting after work, the one that the pediatrician recommended. It was a busy ride home, lots of people driving fast, passing, tailgating and all the usual commotion that comes along with a commute. The speed of which life moves on the road is the opposite of that in a bookstore. The Borders that I went into near home is like any other chain bookstore. Stepping into the store, you feel a sense of calmness and serenity, like looking out to the ocean. The smell of the bookstore was distinct, and the music playing was a singer/songrwriter style. The people in the store looked like they were walking in slow motion up and down the aisles taking it all in.

That's why I was looking forward to my trip to the bookstore, to take it all in. Just like the car seat, buying a book on parenting is a connection to our story. As I did a quick glance around the store I found the "Parenting" Section. It was an aisle of five high bookshelves, hundreds of colorful books. The first two tall bookshelves were full of pregnancy guides, there was actually a whole section on "What to Expect"...there were books on breastfeeding, books on labor, there must have been a total of two hundred books. Then I began to search through the usual parenting books, guides on infancy, help with the sensitive baby, how to have a happy baby....you name it they were all there. Then we got to the books on dads and grandparents section, and how to deal with a teenage girl..."Dummie Guides" on everything you can think of...Oh and Chicken Soup for the Soul for almost every topic...almost.

At the very bottom right hand corner of the last bookshelf was a little tag that said "Adoption"....Above that tag were two books..."Guide on Adoption"...and "Twenty Things Adoptive Kids Wish their Parents Knew". So I began to think about what this meant to me as I looked at the barren single shelf. I began to feel that the word isn't out, that this unique story has a purpose. There are families out there like us, that have a beautiful beginning through adoption, it's our "What to Expect". It's a story that is centered around love. I believe that a child who is raised through adoption has a life of love planned from their beginning. The love for our child that has grown in our hearts as parents. The love for our child that their birth-mother will give to them, by the life that she wants for him or her. And the love that those around us have that get to bear witness to this amazing journey. So this love, that so many adoptive parents, birth-parents, friends and family get to experience is the what needs to be told.

Remember the woman who worked in the baby store, and the owner of the furniture store....they too thought I was pregnant. They did not consider adoption at first. Walking out of the bookstore today made me realize that adoption is a beautiful journey that can be shared...instead of keeping it in the bottom right hand corner shelf of the Parenting section. So I ask everyone that is reading this entry to send this blog to someone you know, so that just maybe some of the busy people driving on the road today will slow down and read....


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Why and The Answer....

When I wrote in my entry on July 16th, I asked myself why I am writing this blog. I now know why. I was right the first time I answered, I have something to share. Now, I am certain. Over the course of the past few weeks in writing, my words have started to bring to life my story. It's the reason why I haven't stopped writing, I want to share my story with those around me. Throughout the course of the past few weeks I have been sent messages and emails of love regarding my blog from people who know me. Every person around me has their story, their struggles, their obstacles. So yes, mine is infertility, who cares what it is, it's the story after infertility that counts. I have one. I have a great story to tell. It's filled with sorrow, it is filled with pain because life isn't full of rainbows and unicorns as I liked to think! It's filled with life. And so my blog is about my story, how I began to listen to my life. It's the defining moment for Andrew and I... in our marriage, in our love, and in those around us who we get to share it with today and tomorrow. So why am I writing this blog....well, it is to give my heart to all of you who would like to read it. To know that life is full of life, and it's the living part of it that matters the most. So I have opened myself up to you, because it's what I can do, it's my adoption story, it is my way.

An unexpected gift....

I have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by a core group of family and friends who have been so supportive, and happy for Andrew and I throughout this journey. For the purpose of today's blog I want to discuss this past week. I have had two silent angels who have been there for me on so many different levels and especially over this past week. One of them, a friend. She gave me the gift of her time this past week helping me with the daunting tasks of baby registering questions. She has been a steady, calm supporter of my pursuit to become a parent...she has been there when I needed her most to lend an ear and spiritual guidance. Then there is my other silent angel of the week, well, it's actually her and her mother that are a part of the second gift. I mentioned to my cousin this morning that I registered. Well, she was actually parked outside the baby store that I registered at, unbeknownst to me. Now, the way I plan on having a "Welcome" shower for our baby, of course not traditional, is after our child arrives. However, my cousin and aunt heard that I needed this car seat before the shower for our baby and decided to surprise Andrew and I with this gift today. When I saw the big box and bright wrapping paper, my heart started to flutter. I began to tear open the wrapping with her two boys and saw the name on the outside of the cardboard box...."Peg Perego". I looked up at both of them as I held back the tears only for her oldest son to ask me to open the whole box! I peeled back the four leafs holding the box closed and saw the trim of the car seat that I had picked out last weekend. My imagination of our child in this car seat, started to pour into my head. This gift was more than a car seat, it was an imprint in our lives. Another reality of our beginnings. I leaned my head on my cousins shoulder and hugged my aunt and cried like a baby!! It was so unexpected, that's the fun part of this adventure. I came home and told Andrew that I had a heavy box in my trunk that my boss gave me today. When I opened the trunk, he reached for the big cardboard box, and I watched his jaw drop, it was priceless. He looked at me and said, how did you get this today?? I told him the story and he was amazed. We opened the box tonight and sat on the floor for some time and played with the car seat. We have been preparing our home for our baby for quite some time, today something new is sitting in our dining room....a piece of our child's life. To all of my friends and family reading this blog, the gift that each of you have given us by being a part of this journey is beyond words. It IS an Imprint in our lives and our child's. Every unexpected gift, whether it's a card, a phone call, a comment under a blog entry, helping with baby questions, or a very special car seat, it means so much more to us than the gesture itself. Each gesture is a part of our "way".

Zoltar

So last night after a day of work, Andrew and I jumped in the car for a drive. We went to a baby store to look at furniture only to find out that the store was going out of business in a month. The lovely honest business owner told us he'd take a deposit on the furniture.... and said another store in a different state would deliver it whenever we wanted it. Hmmmmm, yes so I wasn't born yesterday buddy, although for being in the business for 35 years, its pretty remarkable that he too said "Wow, you barely look pregnant." Once again, I realized how unique our circumstances are in this area where we live, California here we come! Just kidding Mom....for now. Andrew and I moved on to the next baby store and took our time there, we saw so many different colors for bedding and swatches of colors for the wall. We continued our exploration by pushing every button on the baby toys and touching every soft little blanket that they had on the floor....I couldn't tell who had more fun! We finished up our trip and were famished! So, there was a P.F. Changs right around the corner. We sat down with our newly purchased book of names and began to glance through it, of course putting names in that we thought were ridiculous too. Our eyes were of course bigger than our stomachs, and we had food to take home with two fortune cookies. Andrew opened his when we got home from our adventure and read it aloud. Fortune: "Good news of long awaited event will arrive soon." Soon? Really!?!? Ahhhhh, the magical fortune cookie that held all of our answers, hahahaha, If I only knew all along! Although, you know what....it meant something to us. We DO know that however long it takes, it will be soon. Two years ago, I would have taken that fortune cookie to a whole new level....now I can just smile and enjoy the ride. So our fortune is not in how soon our child will arrive, its about what we have gained already from this journey......with so much more to come....gotta love a good fortune cookie.

Any takers who would like to take a wild guess at where I got Zoltar from???

A day of "first's"

Today was a day of my life evolving around me. Andrew and I have had a dog now for almost seven years, she is the best dog I could ever ask for during these years. We have taken her to the same vet since she was a puppy. This appointment we discussed with our vet how to introduce her to our new addition in our family someday. He gave us really good information especially on how she would most likely behave and adapt to our new baby. So this vet appointment was different than years past. When we were driving home and got back into our development I saw these two woman who have 3 shitzu's walking, we know them walk from walking our dogs. This time, they were pushing a new baby in their stroller with the three dogs. They adopted a baby. All in one morning, life continued to evolve today.

This afternoon I decided to begin registering at a baby store. For so many of my friends baby showers, I walked in that store...sometimes crying...sometimes numb....today was a new feeling. I want to have a registry together before we finish the program just in case it happens soon after we are done. More importantly, its what all moms-to-be do, so I was not going to miss out on this experience, in my own way. When I first got to the store I ran into an old friend of the family. I had heard she had been trying for a few years like me, she had become pregnant with twins. She had been waiting to do this for years, I am sure, just as much as I have been waiting. Today, our lives interceded with each other, two different perspectives with the same purpose. With my perspective brought a whole different experience than those around me. As I went around the store, several woman working came up and asked if I needed help. One older woman looked down at my belly and said in an Irish whisper, "Are your pregnant?!?!, Look at You!?!?!?" The women in the aisle around us couldn't help but turn and look. I said, no, I am expecting through adoption, (in my head I was thinking...hmmm, this is obvious, no baby in the belly lady....somebody needs new glasses, hehe). Seconds later a scurry of voices and eyes on my belly still, I began to hear whisper down the lane..."She's adopting, oh wow....yes, adopting....so neat...she's adopting?? Yes, she's adopting..." And so began my time at the baby store, experiencing registering for our child in a different way than most and yet I was doing the same things as all those expecting mothers around me. The funny thing is that I only know of one way to become a mom, so these moments are mine, this feeling is mine, and that is all I need to feel, and that's pretty cool. So today was a day of "first's". First time at the vet after seven years, talking about raising our dog around our new baby. First time seeing the woman partners in our neighborhood pulling their new baby. The icing on the cake, was that after years of returning to the baby store that I had been to for those around me, I got to pick out everything for our baby someday. I think my life has been full of "first's" since the day we decided to move forward, when we knew. Today I know life continues to evolve.....

Butterfly

I drove on the same road that I have been driving on for five years now for my job yesterday. Its a really long two lane highway, with a median and two more lanes in the other direction a good distance apart. I love this drive somedays because there are so many trees on either side in front of me for miles and miles. In the winter when the snow starts falling the road looks like a picture out of a Christmas card. In the spring and fall the leaves are a landscape of beautiful colors and a sign of a new season. I started my job the same year that Andrew and I started to think about our future as parents. Five years and however many seasons later, I am still driving on that same road. So it would seem that my life was routine and that road would change with the seasons as I continued to drive on it. Yesterday, as I was driving down the same road, I saw a butterfly approaching my windshield. I was driving around 60mph so it would have passed in seconds, although it seemed like that butterfly was in front of my window much longer. The butterfly was a shade of orange and red with small specks of black in the body of it, and the wings were trimmed with black. As I continued to drive the butterfly continued to fly across my windshield in what seemed like slow motion, and then it flew over. I thought about that butterfly all day. Everyone knows that butterflies are symbols of change but I think its more. I started to think about my life differently this year, that I can change my life. I realized that life would continue to change me unless I took control of my choices and changed it. I felt at times at the mercy of the doctors, and the medicines and the endless appointments, and the superstitious speculations. I drove down that road for five years watching it change me and this year I changed it. The butterfly flew across my windshield and I saw every little detail of it. When Andrew and I became certain that we would adopt, life stopped changing us, and we changed it.

Love Love Love.....

When we vacationed last week, our home was on the bay. Everyday while I went fishing, or relaxed on the deck, I would see a Mamma duck and her ducklings, she had three. If you ever get the chance to watch a Mother Duck with her ducklings you will see how protective she is of them. There were many dangers for the little duckling on the bay; the strong tides; the osprey birds; and the big fish in the water. The mother duckling did everything she could to make sure her three ducklings were safe at all times. This is what most people refer to as a "mother's instinct". The same love was shown to me today by a woman in an office that I call on for my job. I have known her now for five years, today I told her that my husband and I were in the process of adoption. She was very interested in learning about the process. After I began to tell her our story she revealed to me that around thirty years ago she almost placed her child with an adoption agency. Back in the late 70s adoption was still closed, it was almost taboo to discuss in public, like many other rules in society. Her parents wanted her to stay at a convent until she had the child and went through the adoption process. She agreed. She delivered her child and still remembers that she did not even look at her baby because her parents wanted her to let go. However, she could not let go. She went against her parents wishes and raised her daughter and went on to have three more children. Every mother, has her own story. Her story was to not let go. A birth-mother who does let go, wants the same thing the Mother duck wants for her ducklings, to protect and love her child. She is selfless, like my friend Kristin once told me. I never forgot that word throughout this process of adoption. In my way, I let go to gain something bigger. I let go of my infertility to gain motherhood. By making that choice, I too have already begun to think like the Mama duck, it's my story of becoming a mother through adoption. Every Mother has her own story, and this is mine.

Different

We are on vacation with my family this week at the beach. Andrew and I have taken this same vacation each summer since 2006, it is our fifth summer now. In the summer of 2006 we were starting to try to conceive, and excited about the possibility of becoming parents. Each summer vacation came and went and nothing changed. So every year, its been the same beaches, same places, and it's almost as if not that much time has not gone by. However, not this year, not this time. This year, 2010, is different. Andrew and I had a visit to our home by our social workers last Friday before we left for our trip. At the end of the visit the social worker told us that we should definitely get a car seat by the end of August, just in case it happens fast. Andrew and I also came up from the beach yesterday for a few hours to go to an adoption meeting. Driving up, I started to imagine that car seat in the back of our car. So it seems that the years and vacations had all started to blend together over the past four years, until now. There's something different about this vacation, a major change that is occurring in our lives right now. We started listening this past winter to our life, and now this summer vacation is different in a BIG way.

I'm alright.....

As I already discussed earlier, there are privacy issues with our adoption process that I cannot discuss. However, let's just say that we cleaned our home today for our process, I'll let you figure that out. It was interesting because as we organized certain parts of our home, we felt a purging process happening. I found a couple pregnancy tests underneath my bathroom sink first. I remember always testing to early just to give myself the hope that if the test was negative, it was maybe just too early. Oh, why the mental tortue! Beyond that, those tests are expensive! From that fertility roller coaster of doctors saying "2008 will be your year..." geesh I am so glad I have moved on from those days. Another thing I purged was all of those fertility books. "The Fertility Diet"..."Hormones and Your Body"..."Natural Conception". What a marketers dream I was back then! It feels great to be in a place where I can read Twilight, or The Fountainhead without having the urge to pick up one of those books anymore.

I was speaking to my Dad today, in reading my blog he came up with a great idea for donating food to the local food bank. He is a project manager and having an opening house with 6,000 people attending his new building in October. He will be asking each person who will be attending this event to bring one or more canned goods. It was awesome to here how a simple idea such as that at the right venue will have a big impact on the local food bank. Kudos to my dad! We have always had such a great "father/daughter" relationship. As I have gotten older, I realize how much in common I have to my dad. He is the type of Dad who has been there for every little moment in my childhood; recitals, basketball games, to walking me down the aisle on my wedding day. He has an amazing work ethic and I learned a lot about morals from the way he lives his life. After speaking with him this evening, he asked if there was anything he could do to help us get our home ready. He never blinks an eye when it comes to being there for his family. I distinctly remember a time when we were young and my mom only worked part-time. He totaled his car in a really bad rain storm, and my parents could not afford to buy a second car. Instead for at least a year he walked miles everyday and night to take the bus to and from work. He never complained, he remained a great dad during that hardship. My parents taught me a lot about being happy with whatever "things" you have or don't have, its not what made our home a home.

It was my Dad's who had an easier time with the news that we were moving forward with the adoption process. He was calm and peaceful in knowing that this was what his daughter and son-in law wanted. My parents both knew that day we told them at their home that we weren't going to look back. There were lots of happy tears and we began to explain the process to them both. Not too long after, did my father confide that my mom was having a harder time with things. My mom was so loving, understanding and proud of our choice to adopt.

However, it was her wish for me as a daughter to conceive naturally and she began to feel a loss. It was same loss that I had begun to feel before that time. I understood her pain. She was angry, I had been angry; she was sad, I had been sad; she was confused, I had been confused. I could relate to her pain and yet, I was free of it. It did not impact my decision to continue to pursue adoption, I was ready and Andrew was too. This pain that my mother could feel for her daughter is what makes her a great mom. She needed to feel whatever it was she had to, like I did, in order to move forward. I had already let go of comparing my life to those around me in that regard. Maybe it was the ten baby showers and than births that I had been a part of the past two years. Those were joyous times for my friends and I wanted to be there for them, although at that time, it was hard. Looking back, I am so grateful that I could be a part of their child's life, because they will be a part of our child's shower, and first birthday and so forth. There goes my imagination....

My parents both had different perspectives on our choice to adopt at first, at I am so thankful that they could be so open with me on how they felt....the good stuff and the difficult stuff, isn't that what life's about? They have been there for me since I was born and I have been able to show them a new set a lenses on life with our choice to adopt. It feels like so long ago that we first told them, and every single step of the way, they have been there for Andrew and I. From refinishing our kitchen, to calling us to check in after our meetings, they continue to care beyond words can say.

So, as a side-note....my husband Andrew's favorite movie is Caddyshack! I think that was the first DVD he purchased when I bought him his first DVD player in 2002. Thanks to thinking about his favorite movie I can't get the theme song out by Kenny Loggins out of my head...."I'm all right....no buddy worry bought me...Why you got to give me a fight...Can't you just let it be"...Maybe that's the theme of this blog for today.

In hopes to get that song out of my head as I go up to bed...yep, I said that....I will listen to my favorite song as of today, which is Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap....listen to the words on that one.

Sweeeeeeet Dreams

"Imagine"

Andrew and I sat on the couch tonight and listen to Jack Johnson's The Mango Tree album. It's got a couple cover songs and for the most part the rest is Jack's original music. When I first met Andrew ten years ago, I remember the first time he played Jack's CD in his beat up old Honda Civic, I fell in love with the calming effect the music had on me. This album has some really cool songs that remind me of my brother's music. My brother is a very creative musician, besides being the best brother a sister can ask for. He can play so many different instruments and has done everything from a rock band to singer/songwriter stuff. He's got this gift to play and ability to write....Did I mention he's getting his Phd in English?

I had a great conversation with my brother James today, he lives a couple states away from us and it's so cool that we are close. He is three years younger than me, and we have always been thick as thieves. Well, maybe almost, he used to know just the "right words" to say to get under my skin as a teen especially on long car trips, hence the degree in English I guess. I am pretty sure I gave it right back then too, probably not as skillfully. As little kids we were inseparable, my father referred to him as my pull toy on the night of his rehearsal dinner for his wedding. OK, so maybe there was some truth to that, I mean he was my "baby brother".

When Jim and I were young I remember many trips to the pediatricians office. I had scarlet fever twice, he had strep throat constantly and had tubes in his ears. I was just discussing our old doctors office with him today. Andrew and I met with that same group that used to treat James and I years ago. We had many questions for the doctor, regarding the health of the birth-parents and its affects on the child. I told my brother that our old practice had been purchased by the Children's Hospital several years ago, and some of the doctors we knew stayed, while others retired. I vividly remember most of my visits as a child were to see Dr. K. He started the practice before I was born and now is in his mid seventies now, I discovered he retired two years ago. Dr. K was a wonderful doctor not just to us but many families. It just so happen that while Andrew and I were there for our appointment, Dr. K came to visit his old office. The older nurses who knew my family, told Dr. K that I was in the back with my husband, and he strolled down to say hello. It brought back many old memories as a child and I almost forgot I wasn't the patient when I saw him! Andrew and I began to discuss our future as parents and Dr. K then began to tell us that his oldest son adopted four children. So, we listened. Life is speaking to us and we are listening. Today it was loud and clear.

On Jack's Mango Tree album he does a cover of John Lennon's song, "Imagine". Andrew and I played it back four times tonight. Something about how pure his voice sounds and how much the words meant kept drawing us back. I wonder if John Lennon knew what he really meant with the words to that song. "Imagine all the people living for today..." So, as I continue to see each day with a new set of lenses, I will continue to imagine. I listen to my life, and sometimes it seems more clear than others. Today was one of them. Are we going to be parents through adoption someday...sure hope so...today was enough to imagine. Sitting in that office looking at the little tiny scale and imagining our child laying in it someday, that was fun. So if we "Imagine" then we are living. And if we live than it does not matter if what we "Imagine" occurs or not. Cause "You may say that I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one....I hope someday you can join us.....And the world can live as one."

Today we imagined and we shared our story with others, who had a story, and we enjoyed the moments. I also enjoyed dropping off the puzzles and crazy color nail polish, along with my physical for the nursing home. Looking forward to more moments at that place.

Lastly, and with so much love in this moment. Today is my parents 36 year anniversary. They have set the bar high for us, and I am so proud of them and what their marriage represents. They're good people who have gone to extraordinary measures for their children, family and each other. Love them both beyond words.

Today we Imagined and that's enough to keep on keeping on.....

Mom squared.....

So today my mother asked me if I wanted to go look at baby furniture with her this evening. My mom is probably one of the most caring, loving and outgoing people I know. She has been such an amazing role model for me as a mother. She managed to go back to college when my brother and I were young to get her degree. She juggled so many hats, working part-time, college and being a mom, although what always came first was her children. She is my mom and my best friend. People who meet us on the street ask if we are sisters, you know she loves that one! She's about six inches shorter than me too, I call her my mini-me....

Andrew and I took a trip on Mother's Day this year for the first time ever to look at baby furniture, it was a symbolic day to continue to let the walls down and imagine our lives with our child. There were many new emotions that came to me in the store that day and I still feel them, for I allowed myself to feel this new world upon us, and that is good.

When my mom asked me to go today, I knew a part of it was for her, and I was so glad to say yes. Of course, it was for me too! It was so cool to walk around the stores with her and let our imaginations run picturing our front bedroom certain ways. Throughout this process of adoption, Andrew and I have had many meetings and lots of paperwork to participate in and we feel that we have been progressing. My mom has only heard how the meetings were and read some of the papers, however she isn't watching my belly get bigger, its a different perspective. Kinda glad about that belly thing! She was ready to let herself imagine life as a grandmother today, it was such an amazing moment to picture her as one today too, truly. I am so lucky to have a mother and father who have been so supportive, loving and have embraced our way of life. It was full of many different emotions at first, and that is ok, they are on board for the ride and loving every minute of it.

By the way, its awesome how many offices are responding to my blanket drive, one day at a time! I go into the nursing tomorrow to drop off my physical and get my TB test...I am definitely bringing a few items for the folks there like puzzles and nail polish. I will stick to the basic colors for the ladies polish, no crazy greens or purples....or maybe???

I love my Mom, and imagined life as a Mom with My Mom today.....Mom squared, what a great day!

Painted and then some...

Andrew and I moved into our home six years ago right before we were married. During the past six years I have changed the color on the walls in our home many times. I think painting is somewhat symbolic to the change in our lives. Change is inevitable, and so why not paint. It seems like every time I decide to paint, I am going through a change in my life. I love how color can create a completely different feel to a room. My friends think I'm crazy for wanting to paint, who likes to? Apparently, I do...

Yesterday, I decided to take the awful lemon meringue color on our bedroom wall that blinded you like the sun, I'm serious. I went for a really mellow green, so cool and calming. It took all day to put two sets of coats on the wall and when I woke up this morning I smiled. I have realized over the past several years of my life, that our happy home is not based on the number of bedrooms or bathrooms, or the size of our backyard. Its the love that Andrew and I have for one another, and the love that we put into making it our home. It's why I decided to paint.

This winter when we knew we were certain that we were going to pursue adoption, they informed us that our home could not be under construction. We began to refinish our kitchen ourselves. This winter was the snowiest history on record for our city and it was so fitting that we were snowed in our home, as we began to remodel our kitchen. We started by taking down all the cabinet doors that were a light oak. We stripped the doors and sanded them down, that took a lot of hard work.....Ok, it took a lot on Andrew's part....I painted all the cabinets on my own though...I swear!! I painted them an antique white and distressed them a burnt umber. We started the kitchen back in March and last week the color went up on the wall to finish the project.

It was bitter sweet knowing that we were done. The love that Andrew and I put into our kitchen project was what makes a home a home. We feel great about the time and energy that was directed towards finishing our project, preparing our home for our baby someday. Painting our bedroom yesterday had the same symbolism for me.

There were moments during our years of infertility that I kept wanting more, never feeling fully satisfied with what we had in the present. I was not allowing myself the possibility though to imagine myself as a mom. I turned off that possibility.....Until the day that we decided to go forward with adoption. Andrew and I scheduled our "meeting" one night this past winter to come to an understanding of what was the best direction for us to continue on. I held back my true sense of knowing that adoption felt right for me because I wanted both of us to be on the same page together. Andrew put together a chart with every option on it. Would we keep going down the path of IVF? Would we consider a surrogate? How about some new age therapy? Would we even consider donor? Would we just let go and live our life on our own? Or would we choose to adopt?

It did not take long for the pros and cons for each possibility to get rather lengthy for us. We came to the topic of adoption and it felt like we didn't speak for several minutes and just looked at the word. Andrew took all the other options and moved them to the other side of the chart. The only thing left was adoption, he knew. When he knew I began to let go. Every force that had been guiding me over the past ten years was playing in my head like a movie in reverse....This was our way of life.

Immediately, after we knew what felt right, I began to let go. I let myself picture my life as a Mom, our home with a child and our future as parents. I then suddenly realized that no matter what happened in our future the decision to adopt felt so right, I was happy with just knowing, and that was enough. Even now as I look around our home, life has continued since that day we decided to begin pursuing adoption, we are not parents, and yet I am happy. Our home feels like a home to me not because I can predict our future as a family, but because I followed my heart, that's what life is about, isn't it? So that choice alone was enough of a reward because it was right for me and for Andrew.

So I painted yesterday, it felt right and it meant more to me than just a new color on the wall. For ten years my life has been full of many different colors on the walls and now I see why.

Me and My Blog...

Well, I figured I start with letting you into my world a little more today. This blog thing is still taking some getting use to for me. So...about me. Let's cut to the chase. We're infertile, there ya go for an icebreaker. Long pause. Well, the specifics really don't matter its just a fact. There's is no reason and if you think it's all gonna play out for me like Charlotte on Sex and The City the movie, then blah blah blah. Besides the obvious fact, I have been given a perspective on life that is pretty cool and inspiring. Its a key to door number three instead of one and two which everyone else I know has taken. My friends would all agree that I am pretty unique in many ways. From my wardrobe, all the way to my karaoke song choice that they can't stand sometimes, I like being original. So why wouldn't I want my way of life to have just as much originality and flare as my wardrobe.

For a number of years I started to consider many ways of life for me because of my path. What would my life be with my husband without kids? Where would we go in our lives? Would we move? Would we adopt? Would we start our own Journey Cover Band and tour the world...who knows? What matters is that in every step along the way, I consider it with him. Andrew, is the type of guy whose smile is literally contagious. He has these dimples that are ridiculous. He's the type of man who would do anything for me because he loves me. I just looked over at him in our kitchen right now, and on cue...the smile. Whatever way of life I have been on, he got on board with me ten years ago when I met him. I remember sitting in his old beat up honda civic looking out at the river during a beautiful rainbow colored sunset the first spring that we were together and explaining to him I may never be able to have a child someday. I remember the look on his face caring more for me than my words, only six months into dating him. This makes him such a crucial piece of the puzzle of my path. He is my way.

Why I am writing this blog? This is a hard one for me. Apart from the fact that I was coerced to do it, wink. I guess I felt like I had something unique to share. Oh god, that is so not a good enough reason to start a blog! I think maybe a part of it was to challenge me to think about my life and my path. So...I guess I am going to ask myself that question everyday because like many things in life, I still don't have the answer to that one.

In regards to my day today, I changed it up. I was lucky enough throughout my entire childhood to grow up with both sets of grandparents around. I have so many amazing memories of playing in their row homes with at least ten other cousins. It wasn't until I reached my mid twenties that I lost my Mom's parents. I spent three years visiting my grandmother in the nursing home before she passed. Amazingly, she outlived my grandfather who died from cancer rather suddenly but that's for a different story someday. One thing I remember from visiting my grandmother was how lonely it could be in the nursing home. Thanks to my very large family she had company often, but many others did not. Until today, I did not know how easy it is to volunteer at a nursing home. Most homes want volunteers at any time of the day during visiting hours. The place I went to told me that all I needed was a healthy physical from my doc and a TB test. After that, I can come anytime during visiting hours, any day of the week. This is awesome. So I get to start soon after orientation. I am so excited to be able to make a difference in someone's day in this home. Many elderly people are still mentally sharp and just have no family that visit them in the homes. So can you imagine what that conversation will mean to them. One day, one small change. Oh and I also found out they take donations such as puzzles, magazines, nail polish, makeup and sugar-free candy.

So I will ask myself again before I finish for the day...Why this blog? Still stuck on this one...I watched The Blindside tonight, found a connection with this movie beyond something I can explain right now, I think it has something to do with Why I am writing this blog...to be continued.....

Little things go a long way....

In setting the pace and feeling so good about it the past several days, I wanted to focus on one small difference that I could make in my day today. I knew that my heart was leading me toward helping children and today I thought I'd start somewhere. I contacted a local private non-profit school that teaches children between the ages of 3-9 years old who have intellectual and developmental disabilities, autism, and acquired brain injuries. I spoke to the secretary of the school and asked if they would be willing to take donations for the children. She seemed surprised and put me on hold for a second....she came back and said, absolutely.

In keeping with my spirit of making a small change in another life one day at a time, I knew I wanted to accomplish this goal today. I stopped by the local Barnes and Noble while I was on my lunch break. I went to the kids section and they had a ton of bargain books at half the price. I purchased the amount I could afford today, knowing that it wasn't a lot although it would make a small difference.

I stopped by the school and met the secretary on my way home. She asked me if I was a teacher, I said no. She then went on to ask if these were my own kids books, I told her I did not have children and these books are not used. She stopped and smiled and then said "so you're just doing this because..." And I said yes. We had a great conversation and she reached out towards the end to shake my hand and thank me.

I knew I didn't need a thank you when the secretary said, "You have no idea how excited the teachers will be to share these new books with the children tomorrow morning." That was all I needed.

Outside of my wonderful book drop off today, I had a woman in an office I call on who ran out to her car to get me a blanket to give to the animal shelter. The blanket drive in my offices is progressing, one small difference in my day.

I also spoke to a woman in charge of parks and recreations about the fundraiser for the local Children's Hospital next spring. She told me what it would take to get started and now I can move forward in this process one day at a time.

So I think what I learned today the most is that little things go a long way. The woman that ran to grab a blanket for the shelter in her car, gets to make a difference in the life of one animal. And a small handful of books will go a long way at school tomorrow for those children. I can still picture the books that I gave the school today, and now I get to picture the delight in a child's face by reading something new tomorrow.

Little things go a long way.....

It feels good...

So as I move forward each day daring to make small changes to contribute to my way of life, I began today by focusing on my animal shelter project. What could I do besides drop off my own blankets and get friends to help the shelter?? I decided to put together a blanket drive in my offices that I do business during the day with in my career. It feels great to be able to utilize my ideas in my job with those around me and make a greater impact. So over the course of the next month, I will be taking any old blankets that the office staff bring in and delivering to local animal shelters. Every little bit will help.

I also went to the County Shelter on my way home from work. It was a treacherous day here, there were severe thunderstorms everywhere and it was taking me so long just to get home. I realized that I wanted to get off the roads and go home so badly. However, taking my blankets to the shelter was my game plan today, so I stuck to it. That felt good too, knowing that I could have put a good deed off until tomorrow, why wait. It only takes a small good deed a day to change the life of someone around you.

I also had a chance to stop at the local VA drop boxes and take the pillows that the animal shelter could not take in. One extra small deed came out of the day unexpectedly. That felt good.

So the real truth of adopting this way of life is continuing to do it, come rain or shine. Knowing that there is somebody out there each day waiting for one small good deed and that waiting until tomorrow may feel like a lifetime for them. Tonight, hopefully there are two dogs that will get to cuddle up with the blankets that I left today, it feels good.

What will I bring to tomorrow?

Setting a Pace Today

So in keeping with the spirit of adoption. I have begun to embrace the momentum today that I have spoken about, there is no reason to wait till tomorrow. The small differences and impact that I can make and change today will have a direct impact on not only the here and now but also tomorrow.

The whole concept of adopting a child and being in this process is centered around my desire to become a parent and my love for a child. It is so easy for me to see why adopting a child is the right choice for me because I want to make a difference in the life of our child someday. I want to parent with love, understanding, knowledge and truth. In setting a pace for making a difference, I am following my heart not only in adoption but also in my everyday life.

So where do I begin? How do I set the pace?

By incorporating the concept of adoption into my daily life, I am beginning again by finding out where I can make a small change in the lives of those around me. Today, I began by reaching out to the County's Animal Shelter, I asked them if they accepted donations of blankets for the animals and how worn they could be to take them. I love dogs, I think they are a piece of heaven put here on earth for a short while. Dogs live each day in the moment. They have the ability to love unconditionally and if it were not for man exploiting them there would not be a need to place them in shelters. There are too many puppy mills in America and too many abusive owners that neglect their animals. That is why they end up in shelters. I heard a stat not too long ago that said that over 800 dogs are euthanized a day and 1200 cats, that is unbelievable. It is also overwhelming to here that and I almost feel incapable of making a difference.

So, I have decided to start small and see where it takes me. I sent a message on to close family and friends asking them to save their old blankets and I will be making trips to the local shelters donating them from time to time. That's a beginning. I also contacted the local County Parks and Recreation center. I am finding out what it takes to reserve a county park nearby for a 5K fundraising event next spring. I am going to start putting together the steps necessary to make this event happen, and all proceeds will go to the local Children's Hospital.

So today, I set the pace. Tomorrow its another small change in my way of life to follow my heart.

What does it mean to me today

Well, I thought I would begin by sharing what adoption means me to me. The meaning of adoption will continue to transform and evolve for me. Adoption has taken on many layers of meaning for me up to this point. At the very surface it is to parent a non-biological child who biological parents are unable to care for them. It also has taken on another layer and that is, adopting a way of life and understanding for those who are in need. Adoption means not only parenting but adopting a new way of thought by making a difference in the life of others, one day at a time.

Whether it's volunteering a few days a week at a nursing home, a developmentally disabled daycare, or creating a fundraising event to help someone in need. Adopting a new way of living can mean, reading to an elderly friend once a week, making a dinner for a neighbor in need, or spending time at the local animal shelter playing with a dog. There are so many small tweaks that can be made in life that can help those around us and make a difference in a big way for just one person. Yes, my husband and I are going to make a difference in our child's life through adoption.

However, why stop here, why begin and end with just that impact in one life. The are many ways to keep repeating the meaning of adoption my everyday life. Making this decision to adopt our child has helped me realize that it only takes one person at a time to make a positive impact in a huge way.

So my goal with beginning again and again and again is to keep my life on this momentum that adoption has given me. By adopting a new way of living for myself to help those around me, it will allow me to make small changes that will create a huge impact for just that one person, one moment at a time.

The story to tell

As I am beginning this journey toward adoption there are privacy issues that I cannot discuss in detail. However, there are so many ways of life that adoption has affected my husband and I that I am so excited to begin sharing our story.

When we made our decision to move forward with the adoption process it was because we knew in hearts what felt right for us. This was the first step in beginning again. Knowing that we were the only two in the whole world that could make our lifetime decision to adopt was very intense and important.

We started to turn off all the noise in the background of our lives. Family and friends were so caring, although some had so many opinions on our fate of parenting and fertility, they were pretending to be our Genie in A Bottle or our Psychic Reader. Then there were our fertility doctors, even after going to three different clinics had three different medical opinions on our fate of parenting.

These noises and influences had affected our ability to focus on each other to decide how to become parents. Although, I am glad it took some time to turn off those background noises because during that time we came to an actualization of knowing what was good for us and our ability to become parents, and that right there was a lifetime of preparedness for parenting.

After reflecting on the past ten years of our lives together, we put the rest of the world aside and focused on our hearts and our knowing what felt right. The only answer that made sense for us to become parents was through the journey of adoption.

Just writing down how we came to understand which path to take in our lives brings and overwhelming sense of peace and calming to me. We put together the pieces of our puzzle to become parents and realized that we started that puzzle ten years ago.

To begin again....again....and again

So this is my first go at "blogging". I will be honest that I was completely "anti-blogging" until today. I saw a dear friend who had just gone through a very traumatic spinal cord injury. His body is not the way it used to be, although his mind is stronger and more powerful than ever from his experience. It was amazing to sit with him today and eventually discuss how "I" was doing, I found this difficult at first. However, I realized through our discussion that he was benefiting from helping me uncover the truest form of myself, just as much as I have over these past three years. He told me to "blog" about my experiences, especially the part about our adoption experience. I was surprised of his suggestion to "blog", I thought it would be the last piece of advice he would give me today. Instead of thinking about this piece of advice, I am doing it.

I have been on this "Adoption Journey" for over ten years now. My life has taken me on so many different paths that seemed so desolate and unlike the rest of those around me. I have realized over the last several years that my life has its own meaning, its own road to travel. Most of us have our own road to travel, its just that we are sometimes scared to do it. I have realized now that life is trying to tell me something, just like it does the rest of the world. Its whether I want to listen to it or not, that is the question.

So today, I am listening. Today, I am starting my blog. To begin again.....again....and again.